Collage 388              H u m o u r N e t              02 Mar 1998

Though there was only a single complaint, the GarterGate(tm) Collage
*did* push the envelope of acceptable humour here on HumourNet. So
I've decided to balance that somewhat by going to the other extreme.

                               GEEKS

Yessiree, it's that time again, folks. To start things off, we have
a URL for you: Haiku Error Messages. These haikus have been making
the rounds lately, but have been traveling lightly -- that is, they
have been circulating without proper attribution. Tonight's URL is
brought to you with permission from Salon Magazine:

    <http://www.salon1999.com/21st/chal/1998/02/10chal2.html>

(I would have posted the piece, itself -- but, for some very good
reason that has now escaped me, I inquired only if I could post the
URL. So there it is.)

Today's Collage, however, is dedicated to a special class of geek:
the system administrator, or "sysadmin."

Our opener is an actual series of [excerpted] posts from a mailing
list called "Mac-L" -- a conglomeration of Macintosh users. The topic
of this thread was fighting spam ...

** From Rich:

[...]
It's entirely possible. For example, some ISPs I know have software
that will "ping" the return address of all incoming email, and if
the result is negative, indicating an invalid address, then the
message is either bounced or discarded. Vince can probably clue you
in on other techniques in use.

** Toby's response to Rich:

I've never received any spam via my ISP. I thought that was because
it was a small, local ISP--not profitable for spammers gleaning
addresses. Now you've given me something to do tomorrow, Rich <g>.
I'll contact my ISP & ask if it's pinging.

** Vince's response to Toby and Rich:

This is the kind of thing that keeps system administrators in the
BOFHery ...

ISP: Hello, local ISP, system administrator speaking, how can I help
you?

TM: I have a technical question for you ...

ISP: Sure, go ahead.

TM: Are you pinging?

ISP: Pinging what?

TM: Mail messages.

ISP: Huh?

TM: Are you pinging mail messages? Someone said that when mail comes
in, you can "ping" the return address, and if the result is negative,
then you can bounce or discard the message.

ISP: Oh, you're asking if we are doing domain verification!?

TM: I don't know. Is that the same as pinging?

ISP: No, it's n--

TM: Then that's not what I'm asking. I want to know if you're pinging.

ISP: <thinking> Are you asking if we send ICMP packets?

TM: What are those?

ISP: Internet Control Message Protocol. Ping, traceroute, that kinda
stuff.

TM: What does that have to do with spammers?

ISP: Who said anything about spammers?

TM: Look, I just want to know if you are pinging spammers.

ISP: No, but we sure wish we could.

TM: Well, someone on Mac-L says you can.

ISP: Can do *what*? And what's Mac-L?

TM: It's a listserv, and this guy on the listserv said that you
could ping the return addresses of incoming messages to see if they
are spammers.

ISP: It's not a listserv, only LISTSERV(tm) is a listserv.

TM: What do you mean? I know that it's a listserv -- I'm subscribed
to it.

ISP: No, you mean that it's a mailing list that is running on a
*list server*. "LISTSERV" is a trademarked name that refers to a
particular program that hosts mailing lists. You subscribe to
mailing lists, not to list servers -- and certainly not to
listservs.

TM: Whatever. I don't care. I just want to know if you are pinging
spammers! Like I was saying, this guy on the listserv--

ISP: "mailing list"

TM: Whatever! This guy said that you could ping spammers. Now, are
you doing that, or not?

ISP: No, but we *are* doing domain verifications on incoming mail
messages, which, I think, is what the guy was *really* trying to
say.

TM: Is that the same as pinging?

ISP: <sigh> Yes, I guess you could say that.

TM: WELL, THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?

<click!> <buzzzzzzz>

And we wonder why they drink.

Well, you won't be wondering for long. Anthony in Pleasanton,
California, starts off tonight's Collage with "Adventures Across
the Luser Dimension";

John in Hoffman Estates, Illinois, brings us "A New And Truly Useful
Help Desk Form";

Craig in Minneapolis, Minnesota, takes credit for submitting today's
Official Top5 List(sm), "The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear
From Tech Support";

Richard in Phoenix, Arizona (well, he was still in Phoenix when he
submitted this one back in the 1989 time frame ;-) brings us the truly
awesome "SysAdmin Man Page";

Shawn King, moderator of our sister list, Bawdy.Net, sends along the
"Top Twenty Tech-Support Desk No-No's";

and Kaiti in Alexandria, Virginia, submits another hysterical piece,
"Neanderthal Tech Support."

Huge thanks to all our contributors -- and an extra thanks to St. John
in Philadelphia for sending along the "Haiku Error Messages" URL.

And to all the sysadmins of the world: A Twinkie-and-Coffee tribute.
Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Adventures Across the Luser Dimension

Anthony tells us, "Let me set the stage. This user has a very high
EMQ (Employee Management Quotient). He is a real pain in the butt. I
receive messages like this frequently, with demands, accusations,
needs, and marching orders. I don't report to him. It was a late
Sunday/early Monday Morning, when I received the e-mail; I may have
been too sarcastic -- but it was cleansing for my soul. Since he
cc'd the original e-mail to half the office. I blind copied the
whole office with my reply."

  -------Original Message------

Subject: Voice Mail
Author: Joe Smith
Date:  1/19/97 11:55 AM

There have been a number of instances, noticed by a number of
people, that VM messages left in don't necessarily become available
to the "addressee" until a good while after a message is left -- in
some cases, hours! What gives?

  ---------Reply---------

Subject: Re: Voice Mail
Author: Me
Date:  1/20/97 1:11 AM

Michael...

O.K. You caught up with me finally. I'd like to confess to the real
work I do on the PBX and voice system.......

There is a "special" process (or daemon) that runs on the Voice Mail
machine that randomly ques messages to the "holding bin". The
message selection and bin holding time is managed by a UNIX Daemon
called Random-Acts(c). The message selection is based upon the
number of messages processed by the Voice Mail Message Handler, as
well as certain weighting factors that we can program into the
machine based upon YOUR extension; e.g. we can increase/decrease the
chance you are affected by the Random-Acts(c) Daemon by changing a
parameter option in the Administration Screen of your voice mail
extension.

The Random-Acts(c) Daemon then calculates the holding time based
upon a Bell Labs algorithm that was patented back in the 50's for
use by secretaries (and then Hotel Operators and even later
Technical Support Desks) to figure out holding times and weighting
waiting averages for messages without having to know the urgency of
the message.

The efficiency of the calculation was tremendous and the process
moved to the mail room and then, as technology progressed, to the
voice mail system. Now we can hold, delay, reroute, delete, garble,
cut short, invert, spindle, mutilate, and remove mattress tags prior
to sale from voice mail 24 hours a day without having to handle each
mail ourselves. Isn't technology wonderful?

Now that you have smoked me out, I guess that I will have to put
your variable modifier back to 0 from -20 (which of course increased
your chance of being affected. As administrator I am the only mail
box that has the option of being immune to the Random-Acts(c)
Daemon). However, this doesn't prevent your voice-mail box from
being affected by the Consonant/Vowel Removal Process, The Volume
Fluctuation Modifier, the Static Inducing Module, nor the Rare Jive
Translation Virus.

I do not currently have the expertise (due to training cutbacks
here at the corporate office) to manage these processes or modules.
Our PBX Admin. contractor, Liz, is responsible for these areas.
Please fill out a Communication Request form and e-mail it me. If
the e-mail is not singled out by the E-Mail Redirection Filter, I
will pass it along to the PBX Admin.

If you have any more questions please feel free to contact me.

TonyB

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Finally, A New And Truly Useful Help Desk Form

1. Describe your problem:
  ____________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
  ____________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
  ____________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:
  A. Minor__
  B. Minor__
  C. Minor__
  D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
  A. Locked Up__
  B. Frozen__
  C. Hung__
  D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
  ____________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? _______

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
  _____________________________________________

17. If "nothing," explain why you were logged in.
  _____________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel?
  ____________________________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood
  ____________________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Top 12 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support
From the "Top Five List," top5@walrus.com, <http://www.topfive.com/>

12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"

11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."

10. "So -- what are you wearing?"

9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."

7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes.  Press 3
if you're with the FTC."

6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of
duct tape, and a car battery."

5. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

3. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."

and the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...

1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: SysAdmin Man Page

sysadmin(1)        User Commands        sysadmin(1)

NAME
  sysadmin - responsible for everything imaginable that may or
  may not have to do with the system you're using. Contraction
  of "system" and "administrator".

SYNOPSIS
  sysadmin [ -ab ][ -cd ][ -ef ] etc......

DESCRIPTION
  sysadmin takes care of everything, is generally harangued,
  must be supplied with coffee, chocolate, and Twinkies(tm) in
  order to function properly, cannot be exposed to direct sun-
  light, and must not be allowed to have a life.

  sysadmin is not intended as a user interface routine; other
  programs provide user-friendly front ends; sysadmin is used
  by everyone who can track him down.

  With no flags, sysadmin reads its standard input up to an
  EOF, or a line which sysadmin wishes to parse, and then
  proceeds to ignore it entirely and read news all day. When
  invoked with the -w option, sysadmin reads standard input
  and responds according to terms of job description.

OPTIONS
  -bofh  Go into Bastard Operator From Hell mode.
         This option causes sysadmin to use tools
         stored in the /usr/lib/bofh directory to
         parse the standard input and route user
         tasks appropriately.

  -cd    Causes sysadmin to become caffeine deprived,
         resulting in system slowdowns.

  -J     Causes the sysadmin to function normally
         while augmenting the standard input with
         coffee(5). Can be used with the -T option as
         well, depending upon which version of sysad-
         min you are running.

  -T     Causes the sysadmin to eat Twinkies, which
         can result in significant performance
         improvement, provided you are running the
         correct version of sysadmin.

  -Cfile Specify an alternate configuration file
         (sysadmin.cf is the standard).

  -dX    Set debugging value to X.

  -fFullname   Set the full name of the sysadmin.

  -Bf    Create the sysadmin.cf configuration freeze
         file.

  -lname Sets the name of the "luser" person (that
         is, originator of a given request). -l can
         be used only by "trusted" users (who are
         listed in sysadmin.cf).

NOTES
  The -T option should not be used with a version of sysadmin
  which is not capable of parsing Twinkies input. Though the
  functionality of this command may seem similar to the -b
  option, it should not be confused with that or the related
  -J option.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top Twenty Tech-Support Desk No-No's

20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller.

19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?"

18. Proclaim your undying love.

17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.

16. "So,what are you wearing?"

15. Constantly refer to caller as "Pumpkin".

14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.

13. "You've got to be kidding."

12. "What you do is get yourself 50 cents and go and buy a clue."

11. Use baby talk.

10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you."

9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system.

8. "Yo no hablo ingles."

7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.

6. Laugh maniacally.

5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.

4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed."

3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.

2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.

1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Neanderthal Tech Support

The tech-support problem dates back to long before the industrial
revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to
communicate:

Hullo. This fire help desk. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh.

You hit them together?

Ugh.

What happen?

Fire not work.

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn
Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

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</collage388>