Collage 389              H u m o u r N e t              11 Mar 1998

<announcements>

On Friday, 6 March 1998, HumourNet was featured on "What's Funny on
the Internet Today." (It is truly amazing what people will do for
five dollars these days. Not to say that the judges at WFIT are
*corrupt*, mind you. I mean, "corrupt" is such a strong word. I
prefer to refer to them as "businessmen.")

So, be sure to check out our brief moment in the shade ...

    <http://whatsfunny.farfan.com/wf/listings/980306.htm>

After all, I'd hate to have wasted the five bucks for nothing.

</announcements>

Due to technical problems at HQ HumourNet, there is no "opener" for
today's Collage. But the subject matter really needs no opener; it's
a regular here on HumourNet, and certainly stands tall on its own.

Welcome, once again, to the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

(BTW, the Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame is A HumourNet Original(tm),
just like the "Unsubscription Fee," and that ever-popular on-line
game, "Guess Who Bill Murdered THIS Week?!" :-)

Starting things off is Rondal in New York City, with "The Importance
of Not Being Seen -- Take One";

Barry in Bowling Green, Kentucky, follows up with, "The Importance of
Not Being Seen -- Take Two";

John S. in Atlanta, Georgia, continues the theme with -- you guessed
it -- "The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Three";

and Randy Cassingham of Boulder, Colorado -- author of "This is True"
<http://www.thisistrue.com/> -- brings us a double whammy with "The
Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Four" and "Make A Getaway In
Your Chevrolet";

Robert in Freeport, Texas, sends along the piece entitled, "I'll Take
Door Number Three for Twenty-Five-to-Life, Please";

Rick in Bakersfield, God-knows-where, submits "At Least He Recognized
His Station in Life";

Dave H. in Ames, Iowa, takes credit for [submitting -- not the crime]
"Know Your Target -- Take One";

Gerrit in Kruibeke-Bazel, Belgium, brings us "Know Your Target --
Take Two";

and Mark B in the United Kingdom closes out this edition of the
Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame with "Hooked on Grand Larceny."

Many thanks to all our contributors!

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take One

NY Times, Monday, August 25, 1997 -- Alwyn Green of Jersey City, New
Jersey, was arrested late Saturday night in Flatlands, Brooklyn. The
suspected drug dealer phoned in a fake report of a police officer
needing assistance, which served only to call attention to himself
and the pound and a half of cocaine he had.

According to police, Green reported an officer in trouble on East
36th Street. Officers who answered the call quickly realized that
the report was false. When they learned that the call came from a
telephone at Ryder and Flatlands Avenues, three blocks away, Sgt.
Stephen Bruno and four other officers from the 63d Precinct headed
there, and saw Mr. Green talking on a pay phone and holding a
shopping bag.

Seeing the police approach, Mr. Green hung up the phone and walked
away, leaving the shopping bag behind, a police spokeswoman said.
When the officers looked in the bag, which held cocaine, Mr. Green
started running but was caught a block away.

Mr. Green was also holding a knapsack that contained cocaine, the
police said. The charges against him include reporting a false
incident and criminal possession of drugs with intent to sell.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Two
Excerpted from the Daily News (Bowling Green, KY), July 1997

Army Pvt. Daniel Christian Bowden was arrested at the Fort Belvoir
Federal Credit Union in Fort Belvoir, Virginia, after a teller
thought she recognized him as the man who robbed the bank several
weeks earlier, according to an affidavit filed Tuesday. The robber
did not wear a mask.

Bowden told the teller he wanted to wire $2,900 to Texas and pushed
a pile of cash across the counter to be deposited in his account,
according to the affidavit.

The bills' serial numbers matched a list of the $4,759 taken in the
robbery, so the teller called military police.

Bowden is a military police officer who had undergone training on
handling bank robberies, law enforcement officials said. He is also
a suspect in the May 12 robbery of another northern Virginia bank."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Three

A guy in Conyers, Georgia, apparently "stole" his own Mercedes.

He hid the car in his basement and then told the police that it had
been stolen. The goal, apparently, was insurance fraud.

However, he apparently forgot that his Benz was equipped with Lojak.

The police activated the device and tracked the car to the man's
basement. He has been arrested.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Being Seen -- Take Four
Wed, 10 Dec 1997 18:11:27 PST

MIAMI BEACH (Reuters) - Miami Beach resident Todd Boucino was
arrested by a posse of police officers after bungling an attempt at
robbing a NationsBank branch on Washington Avenue -- just down the
road from a precinct station.

According to police spokesman Al Boza, Boucino walked into the bank,
simulated carrying a concealed weapon, and told a teller "give me
all the money." The teller fled, and Boucino helped himself to the
cash.

Just outside, a passing off-duty police officer heard the commotion
and put out the alert.

Running out of the bank, Boucino frantically tried to flag down a
taxi but the driver, seeing bystanders gesturing in the background,
refused to take him.

As Boucino fled, he was "chased literally by a parade of officers
... I was one of them," Boza said. One cop having a snack in a diner
joined in.

The alleged robber managed to stop a cab in another street, but the
chasing police officers caught him as he climbed in. They recovered
the money; Boucino was charged with armed robbery.

"This was an exercise in how not to rob a bank. He got the wrong
day," Boza said.

[Editor's Note: Sounds like he got the wrong line of work. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I'll Take Door Number Three for Twenty-Five-to-Life, Please

Inmate and would-be escapee Mark Conover had his choice of three
doors when he made his break for freedom.

He chose the wrong door.

Upset that a Harris County, Texas, judge had revoked his bail for
showing up late to court, Conover made a run for it. The inmate ran
down a hallway connecting two misdemeanor courts, with deputies in
hot pursuit.

He passed the door to the stairwell.

He passed the door to a courtroom.

He chose door No. 3 -- the door that led to a prisoner holdover
cell.

"He was embarrassed," Baliff Toby Devine said.

Conover, who was in court on a misdemeanor charge of driving with a
suspended license, was apprehended and now faces felony escape
charges.

Because he is a habitual criminal, Conover's short-lived quest for
freedom may prove very expensive. If convicted, his failed escape
attempt could lead to a minimum of 25 years in prison.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: At Least He Recognized His Station in Life

At the Lancaster State Prison, an inmate had an insightful means of
escape. He hid himself in a garbage dumpster knowing that in the
morning, he would be dumped into a garbage truck, would be hauled to
the local landfill, and walk away.

He WAS found at the local landfill with nearly every bone in his
body broken. He won't walk again for quite a while...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Know Your Target -- Take One
Excerpted from the Des Moines Register, Tuesday, 18 November 1997

An employee of McDonald's Restaurant [in Des Moines] was mugged late
Sunday as he took a bucket of grease outside to dump in a container.

Donald L. Skelton, 64, was cut with a knife, but his injuries were
listed as minor.

Des Moines police said Skelton walked outside about 11:35 p.m. After
dumping the grease, he turned to walk back into the building and was
confronted by two men demanding money.

One of them carried a shotgun or rifle, and the other carried a
knife. Skelton told police he grabbed the man with the knife and
started to swing the grease bucket at him. He was able to get away,
but suffered cuts on his neck and left hand.

"No arrests were reported."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Know Your Target -- Take Two

A bunch of not-so-smart bank robbers have blown up a sort of ATM
machine in Sint-Jans-Molenbeek, a small village in Belgium near
Brussels.

There was a lot of damage done to the bank as well as to houses in
the neighbourhood, but the bank robbers didn't get a lot of money.

It seems that the machine they blew up was a dispenser of account
statements instead of a money dispenser.

[Editor's Note: Gerrit adds, "For those who can read dutch:
<http://www.brtn.be/cgi-bin/tt/brtn/hispage/100?541026>." </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Hooked on Grand Larceny
Heard on BBC Radio 2, 2nd Jan 1998

Two men were arrested for burglary recently on videotaped evidence.

Police had raided the home of one of the men (on an unrelated
matter) and were surprised to discover that the man a video library,
featuring a tape onto which he had recorded (videotaped) the crimes
of himself and his colleague, edited crimes together and added
incidental music.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Make A Getaway In Your Chevrolet
Excerpted from "This is True," <http://www.thisistrue.com>.
Copyright 1997, Randy Cassingham; used with permission of the author.

Heather Beckwith, 18; Curtis Johnson, 19; Michael Guilbault, 19; and
Justin Lowery, 17, were driving around Raleigh, N.C., looking for
just the right place to rob, prosecutors say. Once they chose a spot,
Beckwith and Johnson hid the car in a dark spot while Guilbault and
Lowery went into the store. When they came out, they found Beckwith
and Johnson in the getaway car, in the dark, with the doors locked,
"steaming up the windows," Assistant DA Jeffrey Cruden said. They
told Guilbault and Lowery to "be patient." Once the couple "completed
the act" they unlocked the doors. By then, witnesses had a good
description of the car and the four were arrested. Johnson and
Lowery have been charged with robbery and await trial. Guilbault has
pleaded guilty to robbery; and Beckwith has pleaded guilty to being
an accessory after the fact. (Raleigh News and Observer) ...That's
not what I meant when I said "Let's hit the Quickie Mart."

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</collage389>