Collage 393              H u m o u r N e t              12 Apr 1998

<announcements>

First, an apology for Collage 392: When I set about creating an April
Fools Day Collage, I checked my "practical jokes" files, and found
an entire Collage's worth of pretty good April Fools-quality humour
-- already formatted and everything!

Little did I realize that I'd simply forgotten to delete the raw
file from LAST YEAR'S April Fools Collage. *sigh* A good number of
you caught me on that one right away. I wish I could say that it was
just another April Fools Joke -- but it was actually just the
moderator fooling himself. At least I fooled *someone* this year.

Well, I actually fooled quite a number of people ... It never fails
to amaze me how many long-time subscribers can be routinely taken in
by the "unsubscription fee" ruse. This year's Unsubscription Fee
Collage (toward the end of the year) promises to be a real winner.

However, this opener is more of a follow-up to Collage 391 than 392.
You might recall my attempt in Collage 391 to guilt Pastor Rus,
HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, into finally writing his opener
for the list.

Well, it worked. I usually don't run "God Collages" (i.e., religious
humour) nearly back to back, but since Rus has been such a commendable
chaplain, I'm somewhat compelled (euphemism for "contractually
obligated") to run his material right away. Plus, depending upon your
religious persuasion, it's either Passover or Easter this weekend.
(It's neither for me, as I'm not easily persuaded. ;-)

A quick introduction for Rus: Along with being a full-time pastor for
the Gananda Community Church right outside Rochester, New York, Rus is
also my moderator for the net.humour.religion newsgroup on Usenet II
(see <http://www.usenet2.org/> for more info on Usenet II). In
addition to Rus's duties as HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, he's
also the official "THIS is TRUE" pastor for Randy Cassingham's list
<http://www.thisistrue.com/>. Rus recently released a book entitled,
"A Window Of Grace." And if he ever manages to move off his butt <g>,
Rus also has another book in the works -- this one on (you guessed
it!) religious humour.

And so, without further ado, may I introduce you to Rus Jeffrey, the
Official HumourNet List Chaplain, in the cyberflesh ...

</announcements>

Well, as Vince says, it worked. After reading the opener for Collage
391, I quickly repented and headed straight for my computer to write
an opener. Of course I'm still trying to get a mental image of Vince
actually *reading* the Bible. Who knows, it may even cause
nightmares of some sort.

So here I am, Pastor Rus, finally writing a Guest Moderator piece. As
you read in Collage 391, I've been planning/promising to do this
since October. But the life of a pastor can be pretty full with
tending to the flock and stuff like that. Not to mention the great
demands on my time in the role as "Official HumourNet Chaplain." Hey,
Vince can be a handful at times.

We start off with the question, "Does God have a sense of humor?"
Well, I *certainly* hope so! After all, He did call a guy like me
into ministry. Recently our Praise Band was talking about God and
humor before a service on Sunday. Our keyboard player pointed to
Psalm 2 -- "Heaven-throned God breaks out laughing." (The Message)
Many times I'm sure He looks at me and breaks out laughing. How many
times? Let me describe what we here at HQ HumourNet refer to as
"Sunday Morning Bloopers(tMS)" ...

Let's start with the proverbial slip of the lip. One Sunday morning,
while illustrating the scene of Jesus praying just before His death,
I described three disciples who kept falling asleep when they were
supposed to be praying. They had a case of what I call the "praying
nods." In the midst of the description I said, "Jesus went over to
them, kicked them in the side saying 'Wake up! The flesh is willing
but the spirit is weak!'" Some of the more alert Bible readers in the
congregation were quick to let me know after the service that I had
that backward.

Then there was the day I was preaching about "sexual immorality" from
one of the Apostle Paul's letters. I didn't spend a lot of time on
the subject -- and it's probably a good thing, too. After the
service, a man came up beside me, saying, "So preacher ... was that a
little wishful thinking on your behalf today?"

Looking rather confused I responded, "What are you talking about?"

"It's this way," he explained, "every time you meant to say 'sexual
immorality' you actually said 'sexual immortality.'"

Now I know why all those little old gray-haired ladies looked so
shocked!

0=:-o

Last, but certainly not least, I'll never forget one funeral message
from a few years ago.

The man had lived a long life. I knew his son because he and his
family attended the church. I'd met his dad only once. These are
difficult funerals to do because it's hard to know exactly what to
say. So, when in doubt, I do what any other pastor does when faced
with such a situation: I preached from that great Byrds song, "Turn,
Turn, Turn." You know the one -- come on now, let's all sing it
together:

    For everything, turn, turn, turn,
    There is a season, turn, turn, turn.
    A time to mourn, a time to laugh ...

Well, you get the picture. 

Turning to Ecclesiastes 3, I started with words of encouragement,
telling those gathered that life is full of seasons. It was a moving
message and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Then, coming to the
end of the message I asked the question, "How does one sum up life
from Solomon's words here in Ecclesiastes?"

Preparing to paraphrase Solomon's conclusion at the end of the book
by saying "Live life for God," the entire family (who attended the
church I was appointed to) started laughing! It was all I could do to
keep a straight face. I *knew* what they were thinking: Just a few
weeks prior to the funeral, I'd asked the same question in a Sunday
morning message and that's what they were remembering.

But the version I'd used then was: "Life sucks and then you die."

So, there you have it -- Part One of "Sunday Morning Bloopers(tMS)."
There may be more installments to follow; I guess it all depends on
how much guilt, or how many scare tactics, Vince uses on me in the
future.

[Editor's Comment: Or how much we make on the unsub fees. ;-) </vs>]

Many thanks to our contributors to this Collage:

Cynthia in Denver, Colorado, for "What is Easter?"

Valerie in Mountain View, California, for "Comprehending God."

Rose M. for "Teamwork" (one of Vince's all-time favorites).

Lorraine in Katy, Texas, for "If College Students Had Written The
Bible."

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, for "Paybacks Are Hell" and
"Good Deed for the Day."

and Hy in Redundant Beach, California, for an "Audience With The
Pope."

Remember, God does have a sense of humor -- and you can count on this:
Somewhere, sometime and somehow, "Heaven-throned God will break out
laughing." (Psalm 2:4)

Enjoy!

- Pastor Rus
  HumourNet Guest Moderator
  net.humour.religion@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Russell Jeffrey
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: What is Easter?

Three intellectually-challenged guys just died and are at the Pearly
Gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates
if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when
everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the
same question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when
we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of
Jesus."

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks
at the third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans
took Him to be crucified and stabbed Him in the side, made Him wear
a crown of thorns, and hung Him on a cross. He was buried in a
nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees
his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Comprehending God

A confused nine-year-old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God
male or female?"

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both
male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"

"Well, God is both black and white."

This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less,

"Honey, God is both gay and straight."

At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks...

"Is God Michael Jackson?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Teamwork

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone
bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that
he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the
lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house
and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house,
and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you
for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just
let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in
order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A FREAKING TICKET!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: If College Students Had Written The Bible

Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if it had been
written by college students ...

10. Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are
double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm
food.

7. Paul's letters to the Romans become Paul's e-Mail to the Romans.

6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Not the Plains of
Armageddon, but Finals Week.

4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:
They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.

2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due
and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Paybacks Are Hell

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane
crash over the Atlantic Ocean. They all arrived the Pearly Gates
together.

"Oh! This is terrible!" exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think
that we summoned you here, but this is just one of those
coincidences that happen. We were going to help all of you land once
you got where you were going." St. Peter was fretting. "Your
quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in, but we can't send
you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete.
Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't
expecting them and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping
you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days.
I'll owe you one."

Reluctantly, the devil agreed.

Two days later...

"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns."

"What's wrong?" asked St. Peter.

"Well, this Pope guy is forgiving everybody. This Graham fellow is
saving everybody. And this fella Roberts -- he's raising money to
buy a central air conditioning unit ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Audience With The Pope

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on
seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long queue with a rather
expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and
perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past
the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next
to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's
ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard,
the American agreed to pay 1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the
hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the queue, waiting to see the
Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way
slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned
over to the American and spoke softly into his ear ...

"I thought I told you to get lost."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Good Deed for the Day

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter
says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in
your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what:
if you can tell me one REALLY good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of
bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car,
grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader -- a
huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair
all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

"Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and,
wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this
poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged
animals! GO HOME BEFORE I TEACH YOU ALL A LESSON IN PAIN!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

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</collage393>