Collage 395              H u m o u r N e t              07 Jun 1998

<announcements>

I am proud to announce that HumourNet now has an ASSISTANT LISTMOM
(that is, a "list manager") to help me manage the user side of the
list. The new guy is hardly new -- his name is Marc Wolfe, and he
hails from the records management (RECMGT) mailing list. (Few
mailing lists have descriptions that sound even HALF as boring as
"records management" -- but at least they seem to be aware of this
fact.)

Marc has a good deal of list management experience, a good sense of
humour, a sharp wit, a Swiss bank account, and an ability to extort
money from unsuspecting newbies. Thus, he was eminently qualified
for the position. Let's give Marc a welcoming round of applause ...

<applause>
Okay, that's enough.
</applause>

So, if you have any questions or problems with your subscription,
please be sure to send your message to <humournet-owner@lyris.net>,
*NOT* to the old "listmom" address that is shown in your Welcome
message. (The Welcome message has now been updated to reflect the
new information.) Your message will be distributed to both Listmoms,
who will collect the appropriate fees from you, will continue to just
generally embezzle the entire organization, and will eventually flee
the country with hundreds of millions of dollars in illicit cash
acquired through bogus fees and money laundering.

Hey, at least we're honest about it.

You can get a copy of the updated Welcome message (it contains
several other modifications, as well) by sending:

get humournet hello

... in the subject OR body of a message to the Lyris list server:

lyris@lyris.net

NOTE THAT CONTRIBUTIONS ARE STILL SENT TO <HumourNet@lyris.net>!!
Do *not* send contributions to the new address; they will be
ignored, along with all the other mail sent there. ;-)

</announcements>

We're baaaaaack!!

And what a vacation it was! John Mozena's opener in Collage 394
(27 April 98) generated so many unsubscribes that I was able to take
a month-long trip to Tahiti. Would have been longer, but the e-mail
started backing up.

Okay, I've actually been VERY busy for the past few weeks, and have
not had time to put together a Collage. (I feel very strongly that
quality counts for more than quantity. Yes, our quality is low, but
at least it's THERE, which is more than can be said for the rest of
the Internet these days.) (Whoops! Except for www.thisistrue.com,
www.amused.com, www.topfive.com, www.jokeaday.com, www.oraclehumor.com,
and several others who will probably murder me shortly for forgetting
to include them.)

Nevertheless, there have been some significant changes around here
since we last spoke -- not least of which is that my trusty 1990
Subaru Legacy upped and died on me after 220,000 nearly-maintenance-
free miles. I had all forms of insurance coverage for the car --
but, unfortunately, *life* insurance was not one of them. I am now
relegated to car shopping (and didn't even have time for THAT until
more than two weeks had passed following the Official Auto Burial
ceremony).

Even MORE unfortunately, I made the mistake of test-driving a Land
Rover "Discovery." Do you know how much one those things *COSTS*? WOW!
I will need to collect a *LOT* of unsubscription fees before I can
afford even the official plastic model of the vehicle.

The Land Rover salesmen are great, though: "If you have to bargain,
you probably can't afford it. Please go home, young boy; we're trying
to get work done here."

Okay, so the conversation didn't go EXACTLY like that -- more like
this:

Vince: "Wow, these Discoverys are pretty expen$ive!"

Salesman: "Yes. But they ARE about thirty thousand dollars LESS than
the Range Rovers."

Vince: "So's my house."

Salesman: "But did it come with a six-disc CD changer?"

As you can see, I'm no match for the average car salesman. (Also note
that my original translation was pretty close.)

And while I'm off collecting unsubscription fees to finance this new
endeavor, I'd like to remind everyone that (WARNING: Segue) the
original Unsubscription Fee Debacle(tMS) in Collage 290 also spawned
the HumourNet Benefactor program, whereby you can express your
appreciation for all of the work that goes into the new bi-monthly
Collages ;-) by sending a small (or large) cash donation to "The
Seeing Eye" in Morristown, New Jersey:

            The Seeing Eye, Inc.
            ATTN: Rosemary Carroll
            Washington Valley Road
            Morristown NJ USA 07960

(Be sure to state that the donation is being made in the name of
"HumourNet Communications, Ltd." I'd also appreciate it if you would
please let me know when you make such a contribution to the cause --
but note that I am not interested in the amount of the donation).

Just FYI: The Seeing Eye trains dog guides, which help blind people
lead lives that we sighted people consider "normal" (whatever the heck
THAT is supposed to mean). And since we have several blind subscribers
here on HumourNet, I've decided to do a tribute Collage just for them:
A collection of "blind humour."

Now, before anyone goes totally nonlinear on me, you should all take
note of several key points:

1. My blind subscribers have better senses of humour than many of my
"blindness-impaired" subscribers (as will become painfully evident by
the return mail that I will receive from this Collage).

2. The idea for this came about as a result of some rather amusing
blind humour that was sent to me by one of my blind subscribers.

3. Almost all of the humour in today's Collage was submitted by blind
subscribers -- so if you're unhappy about the theme of the Collage,
then go find a blind person and yell at HIM.

4. The blind subscribers with whom I discussed the concept for a
blind-humour Collage were decidedly in favor of the idea.

5. I really need the unsubscription fees in order to finance the
Discovery I'd like to get. Thus, if you are inclined to kvetch and
moan about the theme of this Collage, please just unsubscribe instead.
You will be making a greatly-appreciated contribution the "Buy Vince
A Cool New Car That He Really Doesn't Need" fund. (Thanks!)

In case you are STILL unconvinced that you will fully appreciate the
theme of this Collage, I would like to bring John Mozena back to
Center Stage for a brief moment (plus, he's always good for those
extra unsubscribes when you really need them). In a discussion we
were having several months ago, John mentioned that there should be
simple tests imposed on HumourNet subscribers to ensure that they
are fully qualified to participate in a specific theme or type of
joke. I'll let John pick up the narrative here ...

    The problem is that there's no stick we can use to weed out
    the lusers. Picture it, though:
    
    "You must be at least this 
    
      --> 
    
    callous to read the following joke."
    
    One can dream.

Well, using John's new metric, you must be at least THIS

                                  -->

callous to read the contents of this Collage. You've been warned.

With that said, let me introduce today's contributors:

Walt S. in Raleigh, North Carolina, starts things off with "The
Adventures of Millicent Quattlebaum" and "Dog Guide Navigation --
Take One";

Mark D. in London, England, follows up with "Dog Guide Navigation
-- Take Two," "Altimeters for the Blind," and "What's Your Name";

Terry G. in Italy brings us "Just Looking Around";

and Pastor Rus in Walworth, New York, finishes up with a likely
urban legend, entitled "More From The Intellectual Proletariat."
(Rus is also HumourNet's Official List Chaplain, and will surely
spend some time in a warm place for his contribution to today's
Collage. ;-)

Speaking of urban legends, Mark in London also brings us piece
which I have decided to name "Beware The Urban Legends"; this
appears as the last piece in the Collage, and is included as an
important public service.

I would like to really, really, sincerely, from the bottom of my
cold, maladjusted little heart, thank my blind subscribers for both
their contributions to our first blind humour Collage *and* for the
remarkable insights that they have given to the blindness-impaired
moderator of this mailing list; they have truly helped me to
understand and appreciate a great deal about their worlds.

Listen and enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: The Adventures of Millicent Quattlebaum

A true story ...

In a former incarnation, I was the first totally blind person to be
graduated from an accredited Library Science program -- I thought
I'd like to specialize in library services to the blind. Anyhow,
while in school at the University of Pittsburgh, I wrote a nasty
letter to the head of the subject headings section at the Library of
Congress about the fact that at that time, they were still using
"Seeing Eye Dog" as the *only* subject heading for books about dogs
what lead blind folks into puddles, etc. Damned if they didn't
*change* the subject heading as a result of my letter, not to the
suggested "Dog Guides" (I pointed out that "Guide Dog" was just as
much a brand name as "Seeing Eye Dog"), but they *did* change it to
"Guide Dogs."

My cataloging prof, who'd been around the track in that obscure
corner of the library profession for maybe thirty years at the time,
upped my grade one whole letter just for achieving this (to him)
impossible feat.

The lady's name who ran the subject heading section was, so help me
God, Millicent Quattlebaum.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dog Guide Navigation -- Take One

Here's another great dog guide story -- when I was training, we used
to sit around and swap these things ...

Blind guy gets on to bus with dog guide. Nosy woman asks usual
dumb-shit question, "How does that wonderful dog know where you want
to go?"

Blind guy responds, "Every morning, I tie a map of that day's
travels to his collar."

"There's no map tied to his collar now."

"Goddamn it to hell! Lost again!"

(This actually happened to someone whose word I, possibly naively,
tend to trust.)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dog Guide Navigation -- Take Two

I'm often asked the question, "How does the dog know where he's
going?"

Well, in homage to the '100 great ways to order a pizza(tMS)," I'm
thinking of starting my own list:

1. He doesn't, I just follow him. Last time I knew where I was must
have been a couple of weeks ago now.

2. He can read maps.

3. He just asks a policeman.

4. Haven't you heard about those new amazing guide cats? Now they
_are_ clever. They know just about everything, so I just tell them
where we're going and the dog just follows the cat.

5. We just talk about it, and once he says he knows, we're off.
<Winking>

6. He's got a GPS system built into his dog tag.

7. Sorry, can't stop, we're trying to shake off the policeman who's
following us.

8. He doesn't. He's only a dog you know.

9. He counts the cracks in the pavement (sidewalk (sic)), which is
why you'll always see his nose pointing down.

10. He doesn't always. Sometimes we do get lost. But then he just
phones for a cab.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Altimeters for the Blind

A blind guy is sitting in a bar talking to his friends about his
recent parachute jump. They were all talking about just how great it
felt to freefall and feel the rush of air.

A guy sitting at the next table overheard the conversation and
leaned over and said, "Excuse me, I can see from your guide dog that
you're blind. If you don't mind my asking, when you're freefalling,
how do you know when to open the chute?"

"Easy", said the blind guy, "When the lead goes slack."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: What's Your Name?

Another 'favourite' of little old dears [Moderator's Note: Blindness-
impaired people. </vs>] is to ask _the dog_ "What's your name then?"

I just stand there and pretend I didn't hear it. I mean, if they've
asked the dog for his name, they would be really disappointed to be
told that he can't actually speak. I wouldn't want to hurt their
feelings, now would I? ;)

If I've had one of 'those' days (funny how blind/disabled people
just aren't supposed to have 'those' days), then I have been known
to reply "He doesn't actually have a name, funnily enough. You know,
they have _so_ many dogs that they just can't get round to giving
them all names. Bit of a shame really, but I think that L1344 is
quite a nifty little reference number, don't you?"

And, strangely enough, this is often the last question they ask
me...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Just Looking Around

A very elegantly dressed blind woman walks into Harrod's in London
just before Christmas, accompanied by her dog. She pauses in the
clothing department, picks up the dog, tosses him into the air and
begins twirling him around and around at the end of his leash. 
After a minute, she lowers him to the floor and proceeds to the next
department -- where she again throws her dog into the air and twirls
him around and around on the end of his leash.

A sales clerk, somewhat taken aback by this behavior, walks over to
her and asks if she requires assistance. "No thank you," she
replies, "I'm just looking around."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More From The Intellectual Proletariat

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit,
was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from
work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9
officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch,
clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to
find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what
do they do? They send a blind policeman!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Beware The Urban Legends

[Moderator's Note: As a public service to my blind subscribers, I am
including this message from Mark in a small effort to increase
awareness of things like the "Lucky" urban legend. Note Mark's words:
"purely fictional tale." </vs>]

As a blind HumourNetter with a guide dog, I am getting a little
tired of hearing on local TV and radio about the world's worst guide
dog. The various versions of this purely fictional tale (or should
that be tail?) are about a dog, usually called 'Lucky', which has
proceeded to drag anything between 3 and 14 (!) owners off train
platforms, under buses, off cliffs, and supposedly killed each one
of them.

Anyway, that's just a rant really, since I heard it _again_ this
morning on the radio ...

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</collage395>