Collage 396              H u m o u r N e t              22 Jun 1998

Most of you noticed that there was no Collage last week. This is
generally not significant, especially on a list in which there has
been only one posting in the past 8 weeks. Nevertheless, the absence
of a Collage WAS significant ...

I was shopping for cosmetics.

There comes a day in every man's life when he is asked the question,
"Would you like to join us at the semi-annual Aramis factory sale?"
Well, maybe not EVERY man -- some, through either birth right or
sheer luck, are somehow spared. But for the rest of you, I have only
three words of advice, should this question ever be presented to you:

KILL YOURSELF *NOW*.

It's that simple. Sure, popping off to the Aramis factory sale might
SOUND like a fun way to kill a Saturday morning -- but, take my word
for it, you would be far better off eviscerating your eyeballs with a
hot fork than shopping for cosmetics with a group of women.

A group of *rabid* women, that is.

Imagine a room filled with cosmetics. Now imagine women in that room.
Women with credit cards and checkbooks. You get the picture.

Do you have ANY idea how long it takes to pick out a lipstick? I
certainly didn't. I do now. Really. In fact, I think I'm pretty well
prepared to work the Clinique counter at the local department store.

Let me sum it up for you this way: Entire political regimes can be
toppled and reconstructed in the amount of time it takes for a woman
to decide between "Desert Rose" and "Glowing Lilac" blush.

And that's just the blush. There's also lipstick, eye shadow, eye
liner, nail polish, hair spray, perfume, and pictures of the babies.
And a whole assortment of other stuff.

Then there are the perfume NAMES. My favorite was "Beautiful After
Midnight." (I'm not making this up!) Doesn't matter what it smelled
like -- the name just seems to conjure up images of a wearer who
might be, uh, "appearance challenged" until right around last call.
(Recommendation for the men in the audience: No matter HOW GOOD you
think this stuff smells, DO NOT, under any circumstances, purchase
it for your significant other.)

I'll spare you the rest of the details; after all, this is a humour
list, not a horror movie. Suffice it to say that, during the weekend
of the NEXT semi-annual Aramis factory sale, there will be a Collage
sent out to the list. I promise.

And, of course, this leads us straight into the next "Relationships"
Collage ...

Karen in Colorado Springs, COlorado, starts us off with "Fidelity and
Ferraris";

a little farther north, Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado, brings
us "'Dear Abby': An Eclectic's Collection";

Sandor in Ft. Belvoir, Virginia, sends along a "Role Model";

Shawn King, moderator of our sister list, Bawdy.Net, sends us a
possible urban legend (but an amusing one, nonetheless), entitled
"Lesson in Practicality";

Warren M. takes credit for sending me the first MSDS for "Man" that
isn't just a whiney rewrite of the "Woman" version (the MSDS for
"Woman" appeared back in Collage 20, and generated LOTS of responses,
most of which were merely repackaged versions of the "Man" version),
entitled "Equal Time";

Nancy C. in Bowmanville, Canada, accepts kudos for "A Breakthrough in
Computer Technology";

and Steve V. in Evansville Indiana (formerly of Lakewood, Colorado)
brings us on that is LONG overdue, known simply as "The Rules." (Note
that most of the material in this Collage was submitted well over a
year ago. Sorry, but it takes a long time for most material to work
its way through the arduous-but-inefficient HumourNet Contribution
Approval And Processing System.)

Huge thanks, as always, to all our contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Fidelity and Ferraris

There were once these 3 men -- Dave, Ron, and Tim. One day, they
were all involved in a tragic car accident in which all 3 died.

Now, they all stood at the gates of heaven. An angel came up to them
and said, "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation
around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have
your transport chosen accordingly."

The angel looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man! You
cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around
Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

The angel next looked at Ron and said, "You, were not quite as bad.
But since you cheated on your wife two times, you will forever
travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

The angel finally looked at Tim, and said, "You, Tim, have set a
fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you
never cheated on your wife! For this, you will travel through heaven
in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Ron and Dave pull up in their cars next to Tim's
Ferrari. There he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Tim?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set
forever! Why so down?"

Tim looked up, with his chipmunk cheeks all puffed out, and ever so
slowly opened his mouth and said ...

"I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Dear Abby": An Eclectic's Collection

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One
is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese?
CURIOUS

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No
twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes
in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he
says that is his hobby.

...I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

...I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

...I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it
would never happen again.

...Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate
doctor?

...Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

...I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?

...My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

...I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank
until one night he came home sober.

...Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally
did it.

I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief petting
officer.

...This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my husband
said "I Will" he knew damn well he couldn't.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month.
I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you
think he'd like?
CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
KAY
DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his
wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature.
Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at
the same time?
JAKE
DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three
and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?
ANNIE
DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years,
but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced,
but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any 
suggestions?
SAM IN CAL.
DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man
my age with no bad habits.
ROSE
DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS
DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Role Model

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when
their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and
it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have
a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under
the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room.
I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

SISTER: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the
room.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later...

SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord
would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

PRIEST: You're probably right. Get up and get your own darn blanket.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lesson in Practicality

A man said his credit card had been stolen -- but he decided not to
report it, because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Equal Time

Man - A Chemical Analysis

Element       : Man
Symbol        : MN1
Quantitative  : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as
                short as 4 inches.
Discoverer    : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a
                craving for ribs)
Occurrence    : Found following dual element Wo, often in high
                concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in
   others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme
   caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction
   with Wo.
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply
   sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with
   polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields
   only when subtlety, subterfuge, and/or flattery are applied

Chemical properties:
a) Most forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction
   is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under
   extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
   effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
   violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel
   most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household
   cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly
   those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
   favorable reaction style.

Uses:
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners
   for Wo.
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
   broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other MN1 interferes with
   reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable
   under correct conditions.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: A Breakthrough in Computer Technology

Translated and adapted from soc.culture.russian:

A breakthrough in computer technology has been made by the
representatives of the growing population of female computer
engineers. The new revolutionary processor is based on female logic
and utilizes the following four values for logical operators:

0) neither YES nor NO
1) YES or NO
2) NO three times
3) NO -- and never mention it to me again!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Rules

1. The Female always makes the rules.

2. The Female is NEVER wrong!

3. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification or approval from the Male.

4. No Male can possibly know all of the rules.

5. If the Female suspects that the Male knows all of the rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the rules.

6. In the unlikely event that the Female is wrong, it is because of
a flagrant misunderstanding which is a direct result of something
the Male said or did.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time with or without a
reason.

9. The Male can never change his mind without written consent and
approval from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time and
for any reason.

11. The Male must be calm at all times unless the Female wants him
to be angry or upset.

12. The Female is NEVER required to let the Male know whether or not
she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. No anger or emotional outburst on the part of the Female may be
blamed on PMS. This will result in swift and extreme retribution.

14. Any attempt to document these rules may result in bodily harm or
death to the Male.

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