Collage 397              H u m o u r N e t              20 Jul 1998

Well, I'd hoped to have the new HumourNet Web site and FTP archives
in place before sending out the next Collage, but it's just not going
to happen. I came very close, though -- the new site is in place, and
the archives are all there, I just have some broken links that need
fixing. I'll get to them, I promise.

In the meantime, I owe a great debt of gratitude to Richard Rognlie
of gamerz.net. Rich is a great guy, and a fellow anti-spam activist.
Moreover, he didn't even want any recognition for hosting HumourNet!
Hmmmm ... Come to think of it, Rich might be a lot smarter than I
thought. Well, that's too bad -- if you're going to host HumourNet,
you're just going to have to learn to deal with the stigma. <g> So,
I encourage everyone to kindly drop by our host's site and check it
out; it's an interesting site, especially if you're into games (and
who knows -- if enough of us drop by, maybe we can bring down his
server ;-).

Check it out at <http://www.gamerz.net/>.

And, of course, HumourNet's new site -- broken links and all -- is
at <http://www.humournet.com/>. (33% shorter than the old URL!)

And finally, here's an offer for all the struggling Web designers
out there: If you are interested in "making over" HumourNet's Web
site, and getting a plug (not a banner, though, since I don't do
banners) with a link to your site on any/all of the Web pages that
you redesign, drop me a note with a subject of "Web Design." Be sure
to include a small sampling of some Web sites you've already done
(not more than two or three, as that's the most that I'll have time
to look at). Note: I probably will not be able to respond to
messages for about a week and a half, so please be patient.

BTW, if you've never seen the HumourNet Web site, check it out. With
a site like that, I could almost apply to for E.P.A. funding to have
it redesigned. <g>

(FWIW, someone started to redesign the site a couple of years ago;
see <http://www.humournet.com/new/> for a look at the beta site.)

And speaking of all things Internet, today's Collage is a collection
of Internet humour that has been languishing 'round these parts for
quite a while. The topic is primarily Internet prose and poetry. It's
mostly geek material, though, so be sure to put on your Coke-bottle
glasses before reading it ...

Doug L. in [glowing] Oak Ridge, Tennessee, starts this one off with
an original piece, "To Net Or Not To Net";

George P, an old friend of mine from the Army Research Laboratory in
Adelphi, Maryland, brings us an old one that I swore I'd never run.
Well, you've finally worn me down, so  "Seuss Tech" is making its
long-overdue appearance on HumourNet today.

Kaiti in Alexandria, Virginia, brings us the "Ode to Spammers";

Neil J. at George Mason University in Virginia sends along some more
catchy tunes in the piece, "Songs to Program By";

Eric N. in Canton, Massachusetts, adds another Beatles cover with
"Yesterday";

and Craig L. in Minneapolis, Minnesota, finishes with a flourish
with "Abbott & Costello Meet UNIX."

Huge round of applause to our contributors. And another big "thanks!"
to Rich Rognlie and gamerz.net for hosting the HumourNet Web site
and FTP archive. (In the next Collage, I'll be providing URLs for
some of the other great folks who also offered to host HumourNet.)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: To Net Or Not To Net, That Is The...
By D.G. LaVerne

Question: whether 'tis more poss'ble for the
Surfer to take arms 'gainst a sea of bits
And thereby, at one a.m., to get on?
To Net, to dial--and dial, and dial--No more!
And dialing so to get nine "Busy" or
Ten "Scripted Login Failed" the Net's now
Heir to--'tis consummation little to
Be wish'd.
        To Net, to dial. No use! Perchance
To curse at AOL--ay, there's the rub!
For in the dark of three a.m. what luck
Will give, after we've tried from morn' to
Midnight, must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calumny at one's ISP;
For who would bear the whips and scorn geek friends
Give, the spouse's long, proud contumely, the
Significant Others' delayed response
At law, the insolence of "Connection
Failed" windows spurning one's electronic
Advances, when he might be better off
With a dime-store novel? Who would gates hold up,
To punt one's sweat under a bleary light,
But that the dread of something after dearth
Of undiscovered Web, from whose thrall no
Nerd returns yet cogent, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather keep at bit-born salve
Than fly to Aruba, which we would love?
Our science has made cuckolds of us geeks.
And thus the native bound of resolution
Is sicklied o'er by malicious applets
And enterprises for great jack-pots' wealth
With this regard their current turn awry
And lose their promise post-haste.

(c) Copyright D.G. LaVerne
Reprinted on HumourNet with permission.

Working Title: To C Or Not To C
Also read at "Writers' Block", TN Mtn. Writers' Conf. '97

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Seuss Tech

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Ode to Spammers
By Daniel E. Macks

I do not want your MLMs;
I don't want to see nude teenage femmes.
I do not want psychic advice,
So there's no need to mail me thrice.
I do not like New Jerseyan swearing,
And I don't want the panties you're wearing.

I do not want your Asian chicks;
I don't care about your lame stock picks.
I do not want to see Pam's bod,
Don't care about your views on God.
I don't want calling cards prepaid,
Nor Herbalife's new diet aid.

So, Dave Rhodes, lawyers Seigel and Canter,
And the "I am so great" ranter,
And all you others who have no name--
Whether small-time or of nanae fame:
I do not want to sound too crass,
But I think someone should kick your /dev/null.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Songs to Program By

Title: Eleanor Rigby

Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while....

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk..
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load..

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take
so long?

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Unix Man (Nowhere Man)

He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody..

Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. >>
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned. >>
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody..

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Write in C ("Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C..
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C..

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly..
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C..

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C..

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C..
BASIC's not the answer..
Write in C..

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C..
Pascal won't quite cut it..
Write in C..

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it core dumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted..
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now

You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know....
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know....

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me....
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Title: Yesterday

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a milestone

Hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Abbott & Costello Meet UNIX

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question ...

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of
a program?

UNIX consul: Yes, that's correct.

Customer: No, what is it?

UNIX consul: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one?

UNIX consul: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you?

UNIX consul: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger
yoo' to get information about yoo'.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

UNIX consul: Use 'what'.

Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

UNIX consul: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consul: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find
it?

UNIX consul: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what
program' to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consul: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what
program'.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consul: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consul: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your
system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consul: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consul: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the
options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consul: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consul: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System
(SCCS).

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consul: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname'
when I was upset once.

Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consul: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every
system has 'more'.

Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX consul: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program,
it is better not to 'nice help' and 'more now' is not allowed but
'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consul: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you
to the Pascal compiler team.

********************************************************************
 Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from Lyris Technologies, Inc. For more information on
Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>. HumourNet's Web and FTP sites
are hosted by gamerz.net; see <http://www.gamerz.net/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://lists.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, (1) forward any HumourNet mailing (or blank message)
to <leave-humournet@lyris.net>, (2) visit Lyris's Web interface at
<http://lists.lyris.net/>, or (3) refer to your Welcome message for
detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing material to HumourNet, send any
message to <contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

Also: Be *SURE* to remove the footer (with your e-mail address)
from this message before forwarding it!

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage397>