Collage 398              H u m o u r N e t              02 Aug 1998

As we're all aware, Alan Shepard -- the first American astronaut
-- died on July 22nd, 1998. I happened to be staying at a hotel in
New Jersey at that time, which means that (1) I had nothing to do
with it, and (2) I got to read about it the next morning in that
quintessential hotel newspaper, "USA Today."

Now, I usually like McPa^H^H^H^H USA Today; the lengths of the stories
are comparable to my attention span, and the writing is usually
relatively good (as journalism goes). But when I see reporting such as
that in the Shepard article, I just have to comment on it ...

<USA Today>

    "Death Of A Hero: Shepard's Ride Lifted USA Into The Space Age"
    By Paul Hoversten
    Thur., July 23, 1998

    ... His 15-minute suborbital plop aboard Freedom 7 on May 5,
    1961, made Shepard an instant hero as the first American in
    space....

    With a single mission, the 37-year-old Navy lieutenant commander
    threw down a challenge to the Soviet Union, which had put one of
    its own men, Yuri Gagarin, into orbit just 23 days before.

"Threw down a challenge"? WHAT challenge? Perhaps the challenge was,
"No matter WHAT you do, we're going to be RIGHT BEHIND YOU." Or
maybe, "The NEXT time you beat us to the punch, we're going to be
only TWENTY TWO days behind. And then 21, and then 20...."

Yep, I'm sure that the Soviets were sweating inside their beaver caps
just thinking about it.

    ... Shepard's flight was the opening salvo in a tumultuous decade
    that changed forever the way Americans saw themselves and their
    place in the universe.

"Opening salvo"? I guess we somehow failed to notice the heavy
artillery that had pummeled us just three weeks earlier. But at
least it "changed forever the way Americans saw themselves and their
place in the universe"; clearly, the author is referring to "second
place" here.

    ... Had the flight not been a success, Kennedy almost certainly
    would not have pitched the idea of a moon landing in his address
    to Congress 20 days later....

Now THERE'S a radical concept: "If we screw up one more time, well,
then maybe we shouldn't bet the farm just yet on a mission that's
several orders of magnitude more difficult than this one."

    A whole country of little boys in crewcuts were trading cowboy
    hats for space helmets. A generation of little girls aspired to
    heights they never would have dreamed.

What -- you mean becoming astronauts' wives?

    ... Shepard's death means that of 12 moonwalkers, 10 are still
    living.

THIRTEEN moonwalkers -- 11 are still living, and one has gone triple
platinum five times (and set his hair on fire once).

</USA Today>

Normally, I'd try to follow this up with a "journalism humour"
Collage; sadly, though, I have no such collection, as nearly
everything that appears in the newspaper could be categorized as
journalism humour -- and the file would grow without bound.

So, instead, I've decided to run some technology-related "Stupid
People" selections ...

Hailing from Winona, Minnesota, Pat starts the fun with "Too Stupid
For My Modem, Take 1";

your beloved (and slightly overworked) HumourNet moderator brings
you the follow-up piece, "Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 2";

Dave in Tempe, Arizona, helps the chronicle the electronically
and encephalographically challenged with "Too Stupid For My Modem,
Take 3";

"Saint" John in Philadelphia takes credit for "The Spams of Wrath";

and Duncan in California finishes with a flourish in "Thank You For
Calling AT&T."

Just be thankful that none of the subjects of today's Collage is you.
(And if it is, I *don't* want to hear about it. ;-)

Huge thanks to our contributors. Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 1

Last weekend I got a letter from another Luminet user that was just
an attached file that was Zipped. I wrote back to say that I wasn't
going to open it unless I knew what it was, since I didn't know him
at all. He wrote back pretty aggrieved to say that it was the text of
a letter to Rush Limbaugh at his Compuserv address that had somehow
gone astray. I deleted it all and forgot about it.

Then this morning the following letter appeared in the paper.

[Editor's Note: All travesties of language were left intact in the
following correspondence. </vs>]

"EMAILERS BEWARE"

Sunday evening, October 6, 1996, I sent an email to Rush Limbaugh
with an address I though was his. This email was the same letter I
sent to my congressmen several months ago. Congressmen like to have
you tell them how you feel about issues. Money morning about 3 am, I
turned on the internet and recalled my email. There were about eight
letters. They were very irate that I sent them unsolicited political
email. Some requested that I remove their address from my address
book. Some said if it was not a mistake, I should be removed from
the internet. I have sent several emails to relatives and friends
before and never had a problem. I use Eudora and Netscape 2.01 tieh
my 486-33mh PC and Windows 3.1.

Who's fault was this? Did I accidentally request multiple mailings
or did the internet goof?

It was very embarrassing. The moral of the story is when you send
email to anybody, due to the complications of internet inter workings,
you may be sending that email to everybody in town or in the country.

Maybe due to the complications of the internet, only licensed and
trained users should have access to the internet.

[Editor's Note: Maybe only those people with IQs over, say, *45*
should have access to the Internet. </vs>]

It took me two months after I recieved my password before I finally
got on the internet.

[Editor's Note: Make that 55. </vs>]

I was really not pushing very hard. I had learned the internet by
trial and error and a few phone calls. Now I realize that snail mail
isn't so bad after all, it goes only where you send it.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 2

A few years ago, there was a very amusing "Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide"
piece that was circulating the 'Net. (What appears below is an edited
version; you can see the entire text in Collage 77, which I ran on
HumourNet more than three years ago.)

In November, 1996, the following message was posted to the SPAM-L
(counter-spam) mailing list.

The author was completely serious about it.

I wanted to cry for all humanity.

- Vince

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Date: Wed, 20 Nov 1996 22:43:03 -0500
To: SPAM-L@PEACH.EASE.LSOFT.COM
From: <name and address deleted to protect the guilty>
Subject: WORST SPAM EVER!

I got this via e-mail, and I wanted to share it because it is truly
the worst piece of SPAM ever created. I thought it was a joke until
they asked for money. This is so sleazy, I actually forwarded it to
the Central California FBI Office.

Just a quick note: DHMO (Dihydrogen Monoxide) is WATER.

>Join the Fight to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
>
>Do your share to help to rid the world of this dangerous chemical.
>The US Congress has been blinded to the dangers of DHMO by corporate
>and military interests who pollute the environment for their own
>ends. Congress must learn that the American people will not stand by
>and watch the planet be destroyed!
>
>WRITE TO YOUR CONGRESSPERSON TODAY!!!
>
>There is also much that can be done on a local level. Alert your
>local government or newspaper if DHMO is contaminating your area.
>
>Although the Coalition is primarily an American organization, we
>also have supporters in the UK, and are working towards educating
>people in other counties to the global hazards we are facing.
>
>But we need your help! Send your contributions to:
>
>The Coalition to Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide
>211 Pearl St.
>Santa Cruz CA 95060
>
>Picture a world without dihydrogen monoxide!
>
>The Coalition's efforts have been written up in the 5/18/96 issue of
>"The New Scientist", and also in the "Chemical and Engineering
>News," the newsmagazine of the American Chemical Society.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Following this rather amusing "warning" message to SPAM-L, someone
tried (very gently) to set the author straight, informing her that
the entire "Coalition" and supposed "fight" to ban DHMO was just a
prank. Here is her reply:

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

Date: Fri, 22 Nov 1996 11:35:45 -0500
To: SPAM-L@PEACH.EASE.LSOFT.COM
From: <name and address deleted to protect the guilty>
Subject: Re: WORST SPAM EVER!

John,

Thanks. As a chem major, it strikes me as sleazy on several levels,
not the least of which is the solicitation for money.

<.sig removed>

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

*sigh*

I really have to wonder whether the FBI field agents are still
laughing about this ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Too Stupid For My Modem, Take 3

I was working as a PC support person for a large computer reseller.
I worked in the Sales Department assisting with network issues,
setting up new users, moving people, etc.

They asked me to do an emergency move for one long-time rep. I moved
her computer equipment, hooked everything up and got her into the
network. I tested the modem and the fax machine to make sure
everything was working just fine. I informed her that she was ready
to go and went back to other things.

About an hour later, she tracked me down and informed me that her
modem and fax (both external to the PC) were not working. Confused,
since I had tested them out, I followed her back to her cube -- and,
sure enough, no power to either the fax or the modem.

Crawling under her desk, I noticed that she had moved the power
strip (that these two items were plugged into) from one end of the
cube to the other, so she could plug her fan into it. Upon further
investigation, it seemed this bright lady (natural blonde, or so I'm
told) had plugged her power strip into itself!

I told her if she ever got this "self-generating power strip" to
work, let me know and we'd patent it!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Spams of Wrath
By John Morrison

[Editor's Note: A while back, John Morrison and several of his
friends were having a discussion about spam and how to stop it.
Knowing my strong anti-spam stance, John forwarded the discussion to
me. Edited out for brevity is the set-up by Brian Siano, in which he
recommends trailing known spammers, waiting until opportune moments,
and then "working them over." Note that I do not actually condone
this practice (nor do I condemn it. ;-) Anyway, we start in with a
quote from Noam Chomsky, who -- like Barbra Striesand and many
others -- really should stick to his profession and try to avoid
the political commentary ... </vs>]

    "The Internet is an elite organization. Most of the
    population of the world has never even made a phone call."
      -- Noam Chomsky

I bet you could get a lot of people in on this. Maybe after only one
blockhead got whupped, there'd be all sorts of websites devoted to
discussions about it. Newsgroups -- alt.fiction.CAUCE.violent. Maybe
even an alt.binaries.erotica group; the ONLY one that would be
COMPLETELY FREE from BBS ads plastered across it every six hours.

The top prize, of course, would be zipping Sanford Wallace into a
body bag and whacking him repeatedly with rubber hoses while he was
forced to lie in darkness in a pool of his own filth. Maybe we could
even re-name him "Tonya."

And the best part is that we'd get off scot-free, even if we were
caught. They'd have to go to the Ozarks to find people that haven't
gotten unsolicited eMail, no matter what Professor Chomsky says; and
I can just imagine the jury selection process:

PROSECUTOR: "Potential Juror number 2.60344e7, have you ever
received a piece of unsolicited eMail?"

POTENTIAL JUROR: "Yes."

PROSECUTOR: "Your honor, this juror is unacceptable."

JUDGE: "Well, that does it for New York. Which state comes after
that? Oklahoma?"

POTENTIAL JUROR: "The last time I logged on I had eighty-three
messages from CyberPromotions. If these guys hadn't removed his
kidneys and left him in a bathtub full of ice, I would've."

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: "Your honor, this juror is acceptable to the
defense."

JUDGE: "Hell with this. Just hang his flabby white spamming butt,
give those two guys a pension, and let's all go home."

OVER 26 MILLION POTENTIAL JURORS IN UNISON: "I get to kick the
lever!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thank You For Calling AT&T

I work for customer service at AT&T, and we often have to deal with the
most confounding questions and responses from customers. Here are a few
taken from a compilation called "Thank You for Calling AT&T."

"Thanks for calling AT&T, this is Londa."
"Who did I Call? LONDON?"
"No, this is Londa."
"WHERE? LONDON, ENGLAND?"

"I've been on hold four months."

"Can you tell me if my calling card is in my wallet?"

"I was trying to abuse my calling card, and it's just not working!"

"So...which adult party line would YOU choose?"

"Is 30% more than 10%?"

"I want you to check my bill to see if I would save money on a
different plan."
"I'd be glad to do that. May I have your area code and phone number?
"You'll have to look it up. It's a non-published number. I don't
give it out."

"I think you're screwing me! I'm going to throw my phone out the
window with me in it!"

"To place a call, you just dial 1-800-OPERATOR."
"How do you spell `operator?' I'm not a math wizard, you know."

"I didn't make those calls...I can't even read or write!"

"Where is area code 900?"

"I want to tell you about this phone I invented. The AT&T operator
was very rude to me--IS THIS SPRINT?"

"Is October before or after November?"

"Hello, can I have the number for AT&T?"

"Is this an average size bill for you?"
"I think so...it's usually around 3 by 5."

"I just dialed a wrong 800 number. Will I be charged?"

"That call is to an adult entertainment line."
"Oh, well, at least he's still interested!"

"I need credit on my bill because my dad died tomorrow and I'm
broke."

"I just dialed this psycho line and it's disconnected!"

"I want to know what I can do about harassing phone calls. These
people are threatening me and my wife, and now they are getting
obscene with my daughter! I don't know who it is ... they always
call collect."

"I want L-O-R-D as my PIN number, but don't use my wife's name as
the card number. It has 666 in the middle."

"Can I put money in this pay phone?"

"No, ma'am, AT&T will not call the police if you don't pay your
bill."

"I lost my checkbook tonight, and I need to cancel my checks."

"Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Not unless you know any hookers in Rock Hill."

"Hi...I have a sticker on my phone that says, `Call ATT,' so I'm
calling."

"Can you tell me where this 900 number goes?"
"That is a True Confessions line."
"But we're not Catholic!"

"All my calls are within a 20-mile-an-hour radius."

"How can I help you?"
"You can get this dog and cat off of me!!!"

"What countries do you usually call?"
"Germany and New Jersey."

"Can you hold...I have a fire going on in here."

"Zero-zero? I just dial those three numbers? That's all?"

"My boyfriend is in the Forest Service and he's been on fire all
week."

"I want you to freeze my phone bill. I've got permission from God."

"Our Fraud Department will be investigating these calls."
"The Frog Department? Would you spell that?"

"AT&T is responsible for the swastikas on my door yesterday!"

"I'm calling from my condom and I can't get out...did I just say
condom? I meant CONDO!"

"What state do you live in?"
"Taylorsville."

"I'm going to church to see if God can explain my phone bill to me."
"I can explain it to you, ma'am."
"Yeah, but I like His explanations better."

"Can I get your name, please?"
"Who."
"Yours. Can you give me your name, please?"
"Yes ... my name is spelled H-U."

"I was just trying to call 1-800-FUN-COLOR to choose turquoise blue
as my favorite for the new M&M colors, but I got Skylab! The FBI
isn't going to arrest me, are they?"

"I need a number I called recently. It should be on my next bill."
"I'm sorry, sir. Those calls are stored on magnetic tape. We don't
see them until the bill is printed."
"Then go listen to the tape!"
"Sir, those tapes are in a storage facility."
"That's okay. I'll wait."

[Editor's Note: Either he didn't save the little scrap of paper on
which he'd written the number, or his wife washed his pants before
he could put it somewhere safe. </vs>]

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</collage398>