Collage 399              H u m o u r N e t              16 Aug 1998

The new iMac is out! Time for everyone to act as if this is a big
deal. Okay, so it's a computer in a quasi-clear case; this is not
exactly the first time anyone has done something like this. What *I*
want to know is if you have to plug it into a clear green plastic UPS
in order to power it up ...

But of course, the staple target around here is Microsoft. (And why
not? They provide endless hours of amusement and entertainment.) Some
of you apparently noticed the following passage in the Welcome message
you received when you joined HumourNet:

    Finally, note that we *do* pick on Microsoft around
    here.... HumourNet is very Unix and Mac oriented.
    Remember, we're just having fun here; there's no need to
    get upset about light-hearted jabs at HQ Wintel(tMS).

And Lindsay in Queensland, Australia, had *this* to say in response:

    Screw the light-hearted jabs; I use, manage, configure and
    program Win 3.1, Win95 & Win NT computers & applications
    every DAY! I want to see you *SLAUGHTER* all Wintel topics
    -- blood, more blood! <gibber> <gibber> <deleted....>

Well, Linz, there's really no need for me to slaughter Microsoft;
they are doing an admirable job of it all by themselves. What needs
to be slaughtered are the sheep who continue to *purchase* the cr
-- uh, "stuff," despite all the problems.

Take my Division at work, for example; we just purchased several
copies of Microsoft Project for the program managers. For those of
you who are blissfully ignorant, MS Project is project management,
planning, and scheduling software.

So, let me get this straight: We're supposed to use project-
management software developed by a company that has never delivered
a single project on time in its history? Yeah, this makes sense -- in
a parallel universe, perhaps.

But enough of that; it's time to let the Great Unwashed Masses take
the reins on today's Microsoft Slaughter ...

David Hemming in the United Kingdom starts us off with an original
and amusing piece entitled, "Seven Deadly Sins For Windows";

Jon B. in Phoenix, Arizona, brings us "You Are Not Alone" -- the
true tale of Man vs. The Windows Operating System;

Rich Laniewski (one of the co-moderators for the net.humour.bawdy
newsgroup) in Sandy, Utah, takes credit for another original piece,
"Down Time Pays Off For Windows Users";

Steve Willoughby, owner of the Oracle Humor Mailing List and Web Site
<http://www.oraclehumor.com>, sent me a personal message that I just
*had* to run, entitled, "MS Barney";

Randy Cassingham, owner of the "This is True" mailing list(s) (see
<http://www.thisistrue.com/> or your Welcome message for details)
brings us still ANOTHER original piece, "Windows 98 Q&A";

Nick in Kansas City, Missouri, contributes some original thoughts
with "Microsoft's Secret Business Plan";

and Christine in Denver, Colorado, follows up on the "You Make a
Grown Man Cry" piece (in Collage 367) with her comments in "You Make
a Grown Man Cry -- Reprise."

See? I don't have to write anything! When it comes to Microsoft,
there's nothing like the hordes of satisfied Windows users to lead
the charge. Many thanks to each and every one of them. <g>

As Douglas Adams, author of the "Hitchhiker" series, said: "Macintosh
-- we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century
was going to end."

Enjoy ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Seven Deadly Sins For Windows
(c) Dave Hemming <surfbaud@waverider.co.uk> Aug 1997.
May be circulated electronically providing attribution is retained.
Not to be physically circulated without my prior consent.

           THE CATHOLIC CHURCH
  (A WHOLLY-OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF MICROSOFT PLC)
               PRESENTS

             --- THE ---
            --- SEVEN ---
         --- DEADLY SINS ---
        --- FOR WINDOWS95 ---

Announcing the launch of the latest version of SDS95, a 32-bit
application specifically designed to take advantage of the WINDOWS
'95 operating system. With this unique utility, you can now
experience the thrills and the guilt of violating your sacred
covenant with God without ever leaving your swivel chair!

Just look at these features:

GLUTTONY: Gasp in awe as this module occupies all available memory,
creates a swap file using all free disk space, then crashes with an
out of memory error!

ENVY: Be the envy of all your PC-owning friends for your
cutting-edge operating system, while secretly envying your friends
with Macs!

SLOTH: This feature has been enhanced and updated from previous
versions, and will now slow down your computer by a further 20%!
Plus, with the new TaskEvaluator(tm), many more complex tasks can be
given up on halfway through!

PRIDE: You'll never have seen anything like the opening thirty
screens of this product! Over fifteen minutes of animated
Microsoft(tm) and SDS95(tm) logos interacting on screen! A complete
list of all who worked on the project scrolls repeatedly across the
bottom of the screen! Every major award we could buy the panel of is
listed! You'll want to see it again and again -- which is fine,
because it can't be turned off!

GREED: Due to the complex nature of this product, it may
periodically refuse to run unless you purchase an upgrade. Common
demands are for more disk space, more RAM, more graphics memory or a
faster processor. We recommend opening an account with your local
dealer.

ANGER: If you thought our Support Hotline was bad before, just wait
till you experience our new features!

* Even more annoying on-hold music! Work yourself into a coronary as
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon" for Doorbell and Stylophone repeats for the
seventh time! * Fully circular problem forwarding! Your call will be
passed from department to department, returning to its starting
point without ever repeating an excuse, or saying something
credible! * New VoiceTone system! Sophisticated telecommunications
advances allow us to inject a subtle note of derision into the
voices of even our most helpful operators!

LUST: Due to an overrun on the development schedule, this feature
has had to be held back to a future release. We've got it here in
the office, though, and boy is it hot!!! This feature will currently
refer you back to ANGER and ENVY.

SDS95, developed by The Catholic Church to the exacting standards of
the Microsoft Organisation, with the assistance of David Hemming.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Are Not Alone

Man shoots computer in frustration
By The Associated Press

ISSAQUAH, Wash. -- A 43-year-old man was coaxed out of his home by
police after he pulled a gun on his personal computer and shot it
several times, apparently in frustration.

"We don't know if it wouldn't boot up or what," Police Sgt. Keith
Moon said Thursday.

The computer, in a home office on the second floor of the townhouse,
had four bullet holes in the hard drive and one in the monitor,
according to Moon.

One bullet struck a filing cabinet, while another made it through a
wall and into a neighboring unit. No one was injured.

[Editor's Note: It was later confirmed that the machine was, indeed,
a PC running Windoze. Not that anyone was surprised ... </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Down Time Pays Off For Windows Users
By Rich Laniewski <richl@softsolutions.com>

Redmond, WA -- In a desperate move to improve its corporate image,
troubled software giant Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) announced yesterday
that it would match the charitable move by Apple Corp. (NYSE: AAPL).
Apple has pledged to donate, to three separate charities, US$10.00
for every consumer copy of its newest Macintosh operating system,
Mac OS 8, sold in the U.S.

"We will not merely match Apple's contribution; we will triple their
donation," stated Jerry Irvine, a Microsoft spokesperson. Microsoft
will offer, to any charity that is using Microsoft's "Windows 98"
operating system, US$30.00 for every man-hour lost to operating
system crashes and other Windows-related software bugs.

"We feel that this could potentially be very profitable for
charities that are using the Windows 98 operating system," said
Irvine.

Charities immediately hailed the effort, saying that they may now
finally start to recoup losses stemming from problems associated
with Microsoft's Windows software.

"Glory be to Microsoft," praised Rev. Jimmy Scamwell of the Bible
Belt Baptist Congregation. "Our MIS managers recommended Windows to
us several years ago, and it has proven to be nothing less than the
work of the Dark Angel, himself. But with all the time we spend
rebooting and reinstalling from backups, this offer from Microsoft
could well be the second coming for us!"

Others were not so enthusiastic. According to Harvey Kremwell,
president and CEO of Wall Street investment firm Kops & Kremwell,
Microsoft stands to lose quite a bit in this high-stakes gamble.

"Just look at the down time suffered by the average Windows user,"
says Kremwell. "Multiply that by the number of computers running --
or not running, as the case may be -- Windows 98 software at your
typical charity, and you start to see the magnitude of the problem.
Thirty dollars an hour can really add up when you're running Windows
98."

Kremwell commented that Bill Gates, founder and CEO of Microsoft,
has a net worth of only US$43 billion. "That won't last long with
this deal," said Kremwell.

Still, it may be just what many charities need to improve their
sagging bottom lines -- and their computing environments.

"We've been struggling with the problems of all this Windows
software," said Marjorie Burke, a recently-hired MIS manager for the
United Way charities in Washington, D.C. "We were spending so much
in support that we could not afford to reinvest in better equipment.
But if we can keep close track of all the time we lose from Windows
software, we might eventually be able to purchase some high-end
servers running Mac OS Server -- not NT, of course -- and open our
own ISP."

"Considering the savings these charities will accumulate," said
Irvine, "Microsoft's donation will far outpace that of Apple's."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: MS Barney?

Vince,

Amy and I were in WalMart and we saw this product -- I SWEAR I AM
NOT MAKING THIS UP:

Microsoft Talking Barney.

It was a purple dinosaur plush doll that wouldn't shut up.

If there was ever a stuffed animal begging to be burnt in effigy, is
this not it?

-Steve

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Windows 98 Q&A
By Randy Cassingham <arcie@thisistrue.com>

Question: Will the Microsoft vs. the Government, et al., thing
affect the release of Windows 98?

Answer: No. Microsoft is perfectly capable of slipping schedules
without the help of the Justice Department.

Question: Will it actually come out in 1998?

Answer: Yes, it pretty much has to. Like Windows 95, however,
they'll just start selling a buggy beta version and call that the
release.

Question: When will that happen?

Answer: November.

Question: When will I be able to buy a stable version?

Answer: You won't. You will have to buy a new PC to get the newest
version. Think of it as trading in your car when the ash tray gets
full.

Question: Is it true that the million dollar a day fine is "pocket
change" for Microsoft?

Answer: No. Even Bill Gates doesn't carry that much cash in his
pocket. It is, instead, being paid out of Petty Cash.

Question: Is it true that the Internet Explorer is an integral part
of the Win98 operating system and cannot be removed?

Answer: Yes, but only because Microsoft has disabled the "delete"
key on your keyboard, as well as the "Recycle Bin".

Question: Windows is looking more like Macintosh every day. Why
doesn't Apple Computer do something about it?

Answer: They did: they became a subsidiary of Microsoft.

Question: The Intel-based, Microsoft operating system-run PC has
been a mass consumer product for more than 15 years now. When will
I be able to do some work on my computer without it crashing,
getting fatal errors, and seeing periodically corrupted registries?

Answer: As soon as you remove two things from your computer: the
Intel processor and the Microsoft operating system.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Make a Grown Man Cry -- Reprise

With regard to the piece on Microsoft's ad agency selecting Mozart's
Confutatis Maledictus for background music on a Microsoft ad -- maybe
they knew *exactly* what they were doing. Perhaps the designer of the
ad was a Windows 95 user....

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Microsoft's Secret Business Plan

Most software comes in three types: freeware, shareware, and payware.
Microsoft has only two: vapourware and bugware.

Microsoft has three types of products:
  Vapourware -- what they promise
  Bugware -- what they deliver,
  Scamware -- expensive classes covering the information excluded from
             the official documentation, with the goal of rendering
             the purchaser/user certifiable.

At least Microsoft is "investing" in one of its R&D groups*. Intel
continues to have the industry at large perform QA on their chips,
while charging for those same parts.

[Editor's Note: (*) The "R&D group" in which Microsoft is investing
is based in Cupertino, California. In a deal between Steve Jobs (a
wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft) and Bill Gates (a wholly-
owned subsidiary of Lucifer Investment Partners, Ltd.), Microsoft
invested roughly $150 million in the Cupertino R&D group. Note that
this is the same group that brought you the Windows(tMS) interface.
Okay, I'll stop now. ;-) </vs>]

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</collage399>