Collage 401              H u m o u r N e t              20 Sep 1998

I'd like to extend a very Happy New Year to all of our Jewish
subscribers -- as of tonight, we are starting the year 5759 on the
Jewish calendar (which can only be purchased wholesale, mind you).

5759. That's a LOT of years. Just looking at that number makes me
think that we need to go all over the world and round up all of the
most learned Jewish historians (wow, THIS is bound to make them
nervous), and ask them that ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION that is burning
at the forefront of nearly every computer programmer's mind:

"So, how did YOU guys deal with the Y2K problem?"

:-)

And in celebration of the Jewish New Year, tonight's festivities
are brought to us by some of HumourNet's most prominent gefilte
fishermen (and women) ...

Are you a Jew? Ahuva in Jerusalem, Israel, helps you find your
Jewishness with the "Jewish Test." (Those of you who are Jewish-
challenged will probably have some trouble seeing the humour.)

Jane in Atlanta, Georgia, sends us some "Commiseration."

Rahul in Wichita Falls, Texas, brings us the "Jewish Holidays."

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado (author of "This is True,"
and quite possibly secretly Jewish) sends along "The Great
Debate."

Marv in Budd Lake, New Jersey, brings us a piece that smells an
awful lot like a pun (yuck) with "Blending In."

and Leah in Jerusalem, Israel, finishes this Collage with "Answers
Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible." (Yes, this is
very similar to a piece that I have previously run, but it's still
very cute.)

A huge thanks and a bottle of Manischewitz to each of our
contributors. :-)

Enjoy! And L'Shanah Tova ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Jewish Test

1. There are no Jews living in:
   a. sin
   b. El Paso
   c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
   a. do windows
   b. make latkes
   c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
   a. gentle
   b. housebroken
   c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations:
   a. sightseeing
   b. sunbathing
   c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where
      they'll spend the next

5. A Jewish mouth never
   a. lies
   b. closes
   c. contains gold teeth

6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are
   a. up on the newest styles
   b. entitled to free haircuts
   c. not Jewish

7. Wilderness means
   a. no running water
   b. no electricity
   c. no hot and sour soup

8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
   a. jogging
   b. tennis
   c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

9. Jews never drive
   a. unsafely
   b. on Saturdays
   c. eighteen wheelers

10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
    a. Easter lilies
    b. a crucifix
    c. a Zippo lighter

11. A Jewish skydiver is
    a. careful
    b. insured
    c. an apparition

12. Jews never eat at restaurants that
    a. aren't kosher
    b. cost too much
    c. have paintings for sale

13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
    a. become a prostitute
    b. deface a synagogue
    c. remove the back of a TV set

14. There is no such thing as a Jewish
    a. black belt
    b. obscene caller
    c. toll collector

15. Jews never sing
    a. off-key
    b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
    c. around a piano bar

16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a
    a. horse
    b. backhoe
    c. toot

17. Jews are ambivalent about
    a. vegetarianism
    b. Jesse Jackson
    c. absolutely nothing

Scoring:  Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for
each "c".

39-51: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied
your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness
plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either
Florida or New York. They'll adore you.

29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember 
to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than
you're used to.

17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and
buying a Nathan's franchise.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Commiseration

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went
to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar
mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last
week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too,
brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me
a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to
become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Jewish Holidays

Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to
go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source
of his problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your
dreams," said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die
on a Jewish holiday."

"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.

"It does not matter," she replied. "Any day that you die will be a
Jewish holiday."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Great Debate

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had
to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the
Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If
the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle
aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one
addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side
would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one
finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a
wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope
stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can
stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around
us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was
also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show
that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind
me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I
do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three
days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.
Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let
him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out
mine."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Blending In

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your
summer?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough
flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner
and hang a left? There's a big bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of
flowers and fruit."

Bee two buzzes "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee.

"Great!" says buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your
head?"

"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a
wasp."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached the UK.

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived
in the Biblical times.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had
trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

[Editor's Note: Leah prefaced this one with, "Okee dokee, how 'bout
*this* one? she asked furiously as she hit the send button before any
other Jewish contributor could beat her to it." Wow, those Israelis
sure are a competitive bunch. </vs>]

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