Collage 402              H u m o u r N e t              25 Oct 1998

According to a recent and wholly unsubstantiated rumor, The Oxford
English Dictionary has taken a long, hard look at the English
language in preparation for its next edition, and has made some, uh,
"improvements." Apparently, a long list of changes has been made, not
least of which is the official acceptance of "they" as a singular
indefinite pronoun. <ick> All of this at the low-low [equivalent]
cost of only fifteen million dollars.

Yes, that's fifteen million dollars, the cost of dumbing down-- er,
*updating* the English language. A service, mind you, that the
illiterati have been providing, entirely free of charge, for
centuries. (Clearly, the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary
need merely to hire from the pool of those less literate in order
to save money on their next revision of the English language.)

And since we're on the subject, tonight's accounts of the exploits
of the illiterati are brought to us by some of HumourNet's *more*
literate subscribers (plus Randy Cassingham ;-) ...

Kimberley in Newark, Ohio, starts us off with "More Fun With
Classifieds";

Jean-Michel in Echirolles, France, brings us "Pluralia" (sans
attribution -- and I have a feeling that I'll be hearing from my
subscribership about that) (stay tuned for a retro-credit <g>);

Elisa in College Park, Maryland, sends along "Signs-R-Us";

Stanley in Moshav Neve Ilan, Israel, takes credit for the piece,
"Now We Know Where All Those Amusing Headlines Come From";

Richard in Phoenix, Arizona, brings us another unattributed piece
(well, attributed to Microsoft, but I find that to be dubious, at
best), titled "Write like Hemingway";

Randy Cassingham in Boulder, Colorado (author of "This is True"; see
your welcome message and/or <http://www.thisistrue.com/> for details)
brings us "Editors," "American Hyphen Society," and "The Importance
of Correct Punctuation";

and our esteemed assistant moderator, Kim, finishes Collage 402 with
"The Importance of Not Mixing Metaphors."

Huge thanks to our contributors. And apologies for the continued
delays in posting Collages, but Life(tMS) is taking its toll these
days. Both Kim (HumourNet's assistant moderator) and Marc Wolfe
(HumourNet's assistant listmom) have been promising for some time now
to write Collage openers. <hint> I'm still waiting ... </hint>

Meanwhile, it's just about that time of year again -- so stay tuned
for the 1998 Annual Unsubscription Fee Collage. This one promises to
be a doozy.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: More Fun With Classifieds

Our local paper, "The Advocate," is known for its awful grammar and
spelling (especially in the classifieds). Here are some winners for
you:

Headline from November 12, 1996; "Area Briefs" section:

"Radon Test Kids Now Available"

My question is, are these surplus children from the laboratory? Or,
maybe, kids all over the Newark area are hearing the fateful words,
"Jimmy, honey -- Daddy and I want you to start sleeping in the
basement for a few weeks ..."

And from our classifieds (sorry, but I didn't document them -- they
were memorable enough that I didn't think to record them):

* Quarter horse mare. Well bread.

* We'll pick up your pet's waist
  (from an ad for a lawn-cleaning service)

* Cold Bolt Blue Laddin Lamp
  (should have read "Cobalt blue aladdin lamp")

* Horseback riding farm animals
  (from an ad for a bed & breakfast farm)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Pluralia

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,

So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Signs-R-Us
Excerpted from _Anguished English_, by Richard Lederer

The following are actual signs seen in various places across the
good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station:
 "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:
 "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the
 manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
 "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
                                          --Sisters of Mercy"

In the window of a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
 "38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
 "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward:
 "No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore:
 "We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
 "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building:
 "Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home:
 "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop:
 "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and
 workmanship."

At a number of military bases:
 "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

[Editor's Note: This one reminds me of a similar sign at the Army
Research Lab, where I used to work. The doors to the lab bays have
signs that read, "Off Limits to Unauthorized Personnel // By Order
of The Base Commander." On one lab bay door, there was the following
slight modification: "Off Limits to The Base Commander // By Order
of Unauthorized Personnel." The author had a good sense of humour,
which probably explains why he was shot at dawn. </vs>]

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
 "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
 "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor:
 "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:
 "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
 "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:
 "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:
 "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
 "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a New England restaurant:
 "Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage:
 "Best place to take a leak."

On the vestry of a New England church:
 "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light
 is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
 "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
 graves."

On a roller coaster:
 "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school:
 "No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:
 "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
 "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise
 untouched by human presence, there is a sign that reads,
 "Do not throw stones at this sign."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: American Hyphen Society

About the American Hyphen Society:

The American Hyphen Society is a community-based, not-for-profit,
grass-roots consciousness-raising/education-research alliance that
seeks to help effectuate the across-the-board self empowerment of
wide-ranging culture-, nationality-, ethnicity-, creed-, gender-,
and sexual-orientation-defined identity groups by excising all
multiculturally-less-than-sensitive terminology from the English
language, and replacing it with counter-hegemonic, cruelty-, gender-,
bias-, and, if necessary, content-free speech. The society's motto
is, "It became necessary to destroy the language in order to save
it."

The American Hyphen Society's headquarters are in Wilkes-Barre,
Pennsylvania.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Editors

[Editor's Note: This is an actual post/reply from a mailing list to
which Randy subscribes ... </vs>]

On Wed, 22 Oct 1997, Paula Berinstein wrote:

>Once you've been an editor, is it easier to edit your own work?

No, not at all.^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H

Yes, definitely.

Randy Cassingham, Columnist, "This is True" -- arcie@thisistrue.com

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Now We Know Where All Those Amusing Headlines Come From

While a student at Drexel U. 50+ years ago, I served as features
writer for the LEXERD, the weekly campus gossip sheet. Our editor,
an English professor, asked me to cover a story about Gary Peters,
star quarterback of The Dragons, Drexel's football team. Poor guy
took a tumble and couldn't play with a cast on his leg. I
interviewed Gary, and wrote a humorous story. The headline for it
read: "DRAGONS TO PLAY FRANKLIN & MARSHAL WITHOUT PETERS."

The editor phoned and said, "So Stan, thought you'd sneak that
raunchy headline by me, didn't ya? Ha!" With that he seriously blue
lined it. The story appeared the next day, headlined, "DRAGONS TO
PLAY FRANKLIN & MARSHAL WITH PETERS OUT."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Write like Hemingway

The winner of Microsoft's "Write like Hemingway" competition:

"The Bug Count Also Rises"
by John Browne

In the fall of that year the rains fell as usual and washed the
leaves of the dust and dripped from the leaves onto the ground. The
shuttles drove through the rainy streets and took the people to
meetings, then later brought them back, their tires spraying the
mist into the air. Many days he stood for a long time and watched
the rain and the shuttles and drank his double-tall mochas. With the
mochas he was strong.

Hernando who worked down the hall and who was large with microbrews
came to him and told him that the ship day was upon them but the
bugs were not yet out. The bugs which were always there even when
you were in Cafe 25 late at night sipping a Redhook or a double-tall
mocha and you thought you were safe but they were there and although
Enrico kept the floor swept clean and the mochas were hot the bugs
were there and they ate at you.

When Hernando told him this he asked how many bugs.

"The RAID is huge with bugs," Hernando said. "The bugs are
infinite."

"Why do you ask me? You know I cannot do this thing anymore with the
bugs."

"Once you were great with the bugs," Hernando said. "No one was
greater," he said again. "Even Prado."

"Prado? What of Prado? Let Prado fix the bugs."

Hernando shrugged. "Prado is finished. He was gored by three Sev 2's
in Chicago. All he does now is drink herb tea and play with his
screensavers."

"Herb tea?"

"It is true, my friend." Hernando shrugged again.

Later he went to his office and sat in the dark for a long time.
Then he sent e-mail to Michaels.

Michaels came to him while he was sipping a mocha. They sat silently
for awhile, then he asked Michaels, "I need you to triage for me."

Michaels looked down. "I don't do that anymore," he said.

"This is different. The bugs are enormous. There are an infinity of
bugs."

"I'm finished with that," Michaels said again. "I just want to live
quietly."

"Have you heard Prado is finished? He was badly gored. Now he can
only drink herb tea."

"Herb tea?" Michaels said.

"It is true," he said sorrowfully.

Michaels stood up. "Then I will do it, my friend," he said formally.
"I will do it for Prado, who was once great with the bugs. I will do
it for the time we filled Prado's office with bouncy balls, and for
the time Prado wore his nerf weapons in the marketing hall and slew
all of them with no fear and only a great joy at the combat. I will
do it for all the pizza we ate and the bottles of Coke we drank."

Together they walked slowly back, knowing it would be good. As they
walked the rain dripped softly from the leaves, and the shuttles
carried the bodies back from the meetings.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Correct Punctuation

[Editor's Note: The following post was excerpted from a mailing list
for writers. </vs>]

The best famous example of the necessity of the serial comma was in
a dedication to a book:

    This book is dedicated to my parents, Ayn Rand and God.

Now THERE's a kid with an attitude!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Importance of Not Mixing Metaphors

I was at the grocery store and overheard two men in their early 40s
speaking, when one of them gave this advice:

    "Well, you don't want to cut off your balls to spite your face!"

That must be one UGLY-looking guy!

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