Collage 403              H u m o u r N e t              03 Nov 1998

Hi folks,

Sorry, no time for an opener, except to say that I think I have
successfully guilted Marc Wolfe, HumourNet's assistant listmom, into
writing up an opener by way of formal introduction to the list. Stay
tuned on that one; I've seen a preliminary version, and I think you
are going to like it quite a bit. (Now Marc is *really* obligated to
finish his opener. <g>)

On a related note: This is the last call for contributions for this
year's "Bad Gifts" Collage. Please refer to the opener in Collage 383
for the submission guidelines; any submissions that are not in the
proper format will be discarded (sorry).

And now for a topic that is always a favorite here on HumourNet --
the Stupid Criminal Hall of Shame! Many of you have seen the original
SCHoS circulating the Net (I receive an unattributed copy about once
a month or so), but only a handful of you know that it is a HumourNet
Original(tMS):

<http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/collage080.txt>

Periodically, I run updates to the original collection, though these
days they are primarily submitted by the readers:

Barry B. in Bowling Green, Kentucky, introduces our first stupid
criminal, with "Cover Your Tracks Carefully";

Jeannie M. follows up with "Use Your One Phone Call With Discretion";

Kit in Boulder, Colorado, sends us a trio, with "Beware of Dog,"
"'To Catch a Thief' -- Rule #1: Assume Monumental Stupidity," and
"75% Tragedy, 25% Success";

Max L. regales us with the exploits of yet another flaming idiot in
"Car Thief Flambe";

Tom H. in Arizona sends us "Prepare to Die! And Please Credit My
Account For $53";

Elayne H. in Austin, Texas, takes credit for "Birds Out, Criminals
In";

and we finish with an anonymous contribution entitled, "We've
Committed a Crime; Let's Go To The Police" (hopefully not submitted
by one of the criminals in question ;-).

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Cover Your Tracks Carefully

The following item appears, verbatim except for excision of the name
of the accused, in the 8 Apr 97 issue of The College Heights Herald,
the student newspaper of Western Kentucky University:

"In an unrelated incident, Facilities Management employee (***) was
arrested Friday for filing a false incident report with campus
police April 2.

(***) allegedly told police that someone broke into the Preston
Health and Activities Center on Wednesday. She said someone had
covered the video surveillance cameras with towels, according to the
crime report. Urine and oil covered the locker room floor, which had
been cleaned before closing Tuesday night.

'The surveillance camera showed (***) covering the cameras,' the
report said."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Use Your One Phone Call With Discretion

>From the Slidell Sentry-News, Sunday, January 25, 1998:

HOLYOKE, Mass. -- A man arrested on an old charge of driving
without a license used his one phone call from the police station to
give a friend a detailed description of how to find a stash of crack
cocaine he had hidden in an alley, police said.

Police Sgt. George Girard said Hipolito Vega spoke in Spanish,
apparently not realizing that every word he said was understood by
the booking officer, Manuel Rivera.

Officers got to the alley first and found a sandwich bag with six
bundles of crack cocaine "rocks," just where Vega said he had put it
before he was captured.

Vega, 30, was charged with possession of cocaine with intent to
distribute.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Beware of Dog

WATERBURY, Conn. (AP) -- A man wanted in two carjackings was fleeing
police when he ran into a yard occupied by four Rottweilers. The
chase ended right there.

The incident started when Alvin Ferguson allegedly jumped into an
Oldsmobile just as the 77-year-old owner was getting out of it,
detective Lt. Michael Ricci said.

"He could not get the car to operate, so he took off," Ricci said.
"Several witnesses saw what happened and chased him."

Ferguson ran onto Interstate 84 and began flagging down motorists,
police said. He got a man to stop and ordered the driver out of the
car and drove off. Police had trouble chasing Ferguson because of
icy road conditions, but the car struck a wall and finally stopped
in a driveway.

That's when Ferguson ran into the yard -- and into the dogs, police
said.

"He saw the dogs, laid down on the ground, and grunted," said Steve
Sweeney, who owns the dogs. "He did not resist the police after
seeing the dogs."

Ferguson was charged with theft of an occupied vehicle,
second-degree larceny and robbery. He was being held on $100,000
bond.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Car Thief Flambe
Excerpted from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Weds, 04 Mar 1998
By John M.R. Bull, Post-Gazette Staff Writer

Randy Nestor stole and set fire to his first car at age 18. He stole
and torched his last one [on March 1, 1998], a decade later.

Nestor, 28, died after he stole a van, then set it on fire while he
was still driving it.

In releasing Nestor's identity yesterday, police said he routinely
set fire to the cars he stole. Nestor, they said, would then escape
as flames shot out the cars' windows as they rolled to a halt. It
was Nestor's trademark, his calling card.

But on Sunday, something went wrong. This time, Nestor couldn't
escape. A broken door handle would prevent that.

Police said Nestor's brother, Russell, and an unidentified man ran
to help, but they, too, couldn't open the door.

"Witnesses said they could see the flames," said Sgt. Paul Marraway,
of the city's homicide squad. "Efforts by others to get him out
failed."

Nestor, of Lawrenceville, was quickly overcome by his own fire.

Police Cmdr. Dom Costa, who was an arson investigator in the late
1980s, remembered Nestor as a young man who had stolen cars in
Lawrenceville, then set some of them on fire.

According to court records, Costa arrested Nestor on March 2, 1988,
for stealing a car, stripping it of valuables, pouring gasoline in
the back, setting it on fire and jumping out as it rolled.

As the case made its way through the court system, Nestor was again
arrested by Costa, charged with stealing a car on Sept. 3, 1988,
setting it on fire and jumping out as the car rolled down the
street.

In 1994, Nestor was charged with drunken driving. In 1995, he was
arrested for drug possession. In 1996, it was drunken driving and
hitting a parked vehicle.

"It's ironic," said Costa. "Almost 10 years to the day and he was
still up to his old tricks. It looks like he never learned."

[Editor's Note: Not true, Mr. Costa. I'd say that Nestor *did*, in
fact, learn his lesson -- all in the final moments of his pathetic
life. BTW, for those of you who would like to read this news story
in its full splendor, Max has been kind enough to provide us with a
URL: <http://www.post-gazette.com/regionstate/19980304brandy5.asp>.
Enjoy. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Prepare to Die! And Please Credit My Account For $53.
Excerpted from the Arizona Republic, Thu, 12 Mar 1998

Lawrence Edward Pagnano had a $53 payment due, so he sent a money
order for that amount to a Phoenix collection agency.

But the envelope also contained a "black and white speckled powdery
substance" and a letter stating: "You S.O.B.!!!! You have just been
exposed to anthrax spores prepare to die," according to federal
court documents.

The envelope also included Pagnano's name and address, allowing
federal authorities to nab him at home Tuesday in Reno.

Pagnano, 42, a waste

[dramatic pause]

-management worker, was arrested Tuesday about 11 p.m. He was
indicted Wednesday on federal charges of mailing threatening
communications and threatened use of weapons of mass destruction.

He faces a maximum of five years or a $250,000 fine, or both, for
the first charge, and up to life imprisonment for the second charge.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "To Catch a Thief" -- Rule #1: Assume Monumental Stupidity

LONDON, March 14 (Reuters) - A British man trapped the thief who
stole his pager by leaving a message saying he had won 500 pounds
($835) in a competition.

David Withers lost the pager when his car was broken into. Builder
Justin Clark, ensnared in the simplest of stings, was fined 150
pounds ($251) for being in possession of stolen property after
answering the message.

Withers told reporters: "I was fuming when I found my car had been
broken into. I called police and then decided to leave the message.
Not long afterward, my mobile rang and a shady-sounding voice asked
about the prize.

"I told him he had won 500 pounds in a church fete and that I had
paged him because I did not want to send the money by post. The
police arrested the idiot when he came to collect the prize. I could
not believe anybody would be that stupid."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: 75% Tragedy, 25% Success

SAO PAULO - A Brazilian thief was killed when the grenade he was
carrying blew up in his hands while he was being pursued by police,
authorities said.

Police said Omar da Silva Firmo, 36, was killed instantly when he
tried to hurl the grenade at policemen who were chasing him and
three accomplices after they robbed a bank in Guarulhos, 12 miles
(20 kms) northeast of Sao Paulo, of about $28,000.

"It was a tragedy, but he dropped it on himself," police
investigator Roberto Moreira da Silva said.

[Editor's Note: Why do they keep referring to these incidents as
"tragedies"? Just once, I'd like to hear, "It was a lucky stroke for
the rest of human civilization." </vs>]

Firmo's three accomplices were captured and suffered only minor
injuries, police reported.

[Editor's Note: Now THAT'S a tragedy. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Birds Out, Criminals In
Excerpted from the New York Times, 13 Apr 98

The state of California started enclosing its state prisons with
electric fencing in 1993, to keep the prisoners in and cut down on
guard costs. This seems to be working, except for one problem. The
birds. Apparently, several thousand birds have died after trying to
land on the fences. Now they have a solution to keep from killing
the birds. They are now surrounding the electric fences with
netting to keep the birds away.

I want to know how this is going to continue to keep the prisoners
in at the same time.

[Editor's Note: Don't worry, Elayne; most birds are substantially
more intelligent than the average prisoner. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: We've Committed a Crime; Let's Go To The Police

This one happened in Alburnet, Iowa, on or about 02 Feb 98 ...

Several high schoolers were out bashing mailboxes with baseball bats.
(A rural custom for teenagers with no real talent or imagination.)

Anyway, they noticed they were being followed and increased their
speed to try to lose the person pursuing them. Unable to lose the
car behind them and fearing for their lives, they fled to the police
station and  begged for protection from their pursuers.

It turns out the man following them had seen them smashing mailboxes
and jumped in his car to get a plate number to give to police.
Imagine the boys' faces when the man walked into the police station
as an eyewitness to their crime.

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