Collage 404              H u m o u r N e t              29 Nov 1998

Some of you might recall the high-pressure tactics I employed in
Collage 403 to persuade an opener from Marc Wolfe, HumourNet's
esteemed Assistant Listmom.

Well, it worked! This means that I get the week (month?) off, and
Marc gets to do all the work. Pretty much business as usual around
here. <g>

And so, without further ado, I introduce Marc Wolfe -- HumourNet's
Assistant Listmom, and today's Guest Moderator ...

</vince>

Hi. My name is Marc Wolfe, and I'm living proof of what happens when
you contest the Unsubscription Fee.

<All:> "Hi, Marc!"

As assistant listmom I guess a self-introduction is in order. I'm 41
and single^W (OUCH! Honey, it was a joke!) married to Danalisa, the
Class O' the Family(tMS). We have one child, Samuel Blanton Benedict
Wolfe, age six weeks. Oh yes, and Elvira the WereCat; she came with
the marriage.

I'm a mid-level Federal employee of no particular consequence.

Height: 6' 2" + change. Weight: 165 lbs. (yeah, I know, eat bubbeleh,
eat). Eyes: Two, blue, myopic. Hair: Less than last year. I'm not
actually losing hair. It's just migrating. You don't want to know,
trust me. *I* don't want to know either.

OK, enough of the touchie-feelie stuff. Everybody wash up, you'll
feel better for it.

Now, for the ADHD among you, go check that third paragraph again.
Can you guess what the topic of this Opener will be? Those of you
who are currently experiencing the joys of a newborn child might
just want to skip to the Collage proper. If you have a child, and
that child is older than two, consider this a memory recall: I'm
reliably informed that one blanks out^W^W forgets the finer points
of the experience after a while. I can only hope my informants are
correct.

If you and your partner are considering having a child, you *might*
want to print this out and save it for those "discussions." Those of
you who have never had a child may either skip to the Collage proper
or read this smugly; your choice.

Ahem. Samuel, like all newborns, is, in no particular order, the
most intelligent, beautiful, talented, saintly, and inventive child.
Ever. Period. In order to prove this, I offer you S.B.B.W.'s "Baby
Physics."

The human body has nine orifices. A newborn actively uses only three
of those. Babies are so brilliant, however, that they have developed
multiple uses for each of the three actively used orifices.

The mouth, or buccal orifice, may be used in either of two primary
modes:

    1. Intake: fuel
    
    2. Output: there are three distinct sub-modes.
       A. Signalling -- compressed gas, wave-modulated
       B. Signalling -- compressed gas, unmodulated
       C. Overflow indicator -- liquids

The upper cloacal orifice operates in two modes; both are outputs:

    1. Overflow -- waste disposal, liquid output, directed 
    
    2. Parental attention monitor -- liquid output, undirected

The lower cloacal orifice has three operating modes:

    1. Overflow -- waste disposal, allegedly solid output, directed.
    More or less.

    2. Signalling device -- output may be liquid, solid, or gas 

    3. Laugh generator -- output primarily gas in this mode,
    although it may be accompanied by ancillary solids or liquids.
    Differentiated from signalling mode by auditory volume and the
    presence of strangers unfamiliar with baby physics.

Using only three orifices, babies can perform nine functions -- as
many as an adult can perform, using all of his or hers. Babies are
brilliant: Q.E.D.

S.B.B.W. also notes the following observations on babies:

    1. There is no correlation between a baby's intake and output.
    
    2. The amount of attention directed at a baby is inversely
    proportional to a baby's desire for that attention. Always.
    
And finally,
    
    3. No action which has previously pleased, or at least
    pacified, a baby, will yield the same results for at least a
    week after it has last been used.

And so onto today's Collage -- not surprisingly, another "kiddie
humour" collection ...

Mark B. in London, England, kicks this one off with "Where Did I Go
Wrong...?" (note that Mark is an educator; the account is firsthand,
and the children under discussion are 12 to 13 years old);

Dorothy in Newark, Delaware, brings us a "Commentary on Larval
Humans";

Yvonne P. in Arlington, Virginia, sends along some "Definitions for
Parents";

Randy Cassingham (a.k.a. <http://www.thisistrue.com/>) brings us the
"Dear God" series;

Brian W. in Hampton, Georgia, contributes "You Might Be In Education
If" (Brian is another one of our educators; interesting how they seem
to contribute more than their fair share of material <g>);

and Pastor Rus, the Official HumourNet List Chaplain, brings us "From
The Mouths of Babes."

Parents, this is your Official Vindication Collage(tMS). Enjoy!

- Marc Wolfe
  HumourNet Guest Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1998 by Marc Wolfe
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Where Did I Go Wrong...?

I was marking some books the other day -- in my science class we'd
done some experiments with acids and alkalis, testing various
household substances, making our own indicators, that sort of thing.

Some lads completely, and worryingly, missed the point. I quote:

    We conclude from this experiment that many natual[1] juises[1]
    were netreul[1] exept[1] for the pure lemon which tastes
    sour[2] and is acid. Many things we drink like pepsi are
    acids, probably to give a good taste. I was surprized[1] that
    vinega[1] was neutral[3]. False coulors[4] could have been
    caused by chemicals left on the fingers[5]

    [1] sic
    [2] I'm sure that he didn't start eating the chemicals.....
    [3] ????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!?????!!!!
    [4] At least he's practising his foreign languages.
    [5] Got to give these things a good stir...

The same lad then wrote:

    We conclude that water was normal. The unknown chemical is
    vinega[1]. The behaviour of the water was normal exept[1] the
    sodium hydroxide which gradually turned green.[2] acids turned
    red[2] and alkalines turned green[2]. the mystery liquid 2
    turned neutral[3] and mystery liquid 3 turned pink[4]

    [1] sic
    [2] The indicator was the thing that was changing colour
    [3] It's a miracle! Mystery 2 WAS neutral all the time.
    [4] I give up.....

My favourite, however, was the following. This lad'll go a long way.
Probably in a vehicle with flashing blue lights.

    All edible things are acid and most cleaning materials alkali.
    This shows that acid tastes better than alkali.

Needless to say, this is not the standard usually expected. Perhaps
I should have included battery acid along with the orange juice....

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Commentary on Larval Humans

"Children are like animals at the zoo. They are nice to visit, but
you shouldn't take one home."
 -- Arlene L.

This is what I've always said about pregnancy/childbirth: "I saw
'Alien,' and I'm NOT doing THAT!"
 -- Unknown

THANK YOU FOR NOT BREEDING
 (bumper sticker)

"If I ever decide I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet ...
I'll put shoes on my cats."
 -- Magnetic Graffiti Co

How can you trust me with a baby
if you can't trust me with a choice?
 (bumper sticker)

"In America, there are two modes of travel: First Class and With
Children"
 -- Robert Benchley

"Children are a sexually transmitted disease."
 -- Unknown

"I would get pregnant only if I could be sure I'd have puppies."
 -- Cynthia Nelms

"Men are generally more careful of the breed of their horses and
dogs than of their children."
 -- William Penn

"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are,
in fact, barely presentable."
 -- Fran Lebowitz, American journalist, _Metropolitan Life_, 1978

"The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two
adopted children."
 -- Paul Ehrlich, American scientist

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the
second half by our children."
 -- Clarence Darrow, American lawyer and reformer.

"Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect."
 -- Nicholas Chamfort, French writer

"I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes
them away."
 -- Nancy Mitford, British writer

"Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the
farm yard, except that children are more troublesome and costly than
chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock."
 -- George Bernard Shaw, {Quasi-]British playwright

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Definitions for Parents

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman, who has gone through labor,
to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the brink of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're angry with him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Dear God

These were [supposedly] taken from Sunday School letters ...

Dear God:

* In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you
are on vacation?

* How did you know you were God?

* I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love,
Allison

* On Halloween I am going to wear a Devil's costume, is that all
right with you?

* Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

* Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his bowling
words in the house?

* Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

* Who draws the lines around the countries?

* Do animals get to use you too or is there someone else for them?

* I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church ... is
that okay?

* I like the Lords Prayer the best of all. Did you have to write it
a lot or did you get it right the first time? I have to write
everything I ever write over again.

* God, it's okay that you made different religions but don't you get
mixed up sometimes?

* Did they really talk that fancy in Bible times?

* I would like to know why all the things you said are in red?

* Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours or do you just know him through
the business?

* Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you, because if
you did then I'm going to fix my brother.

* My grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far
back DO you go?

* I know all about where babies come from. I think. From inside
mommies and daddies put them there. Where are they before that? Do
you have them in Heaven? How do they get down here? Do you have to
take care of them all first? Please answer all my questions...I
always think of you. Yours Truly, Susan

* Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy.

* Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is
nothing good in there now.

* Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was suppose to be our
day of rest.

* I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I
had 3 stitches and a shot.

* If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer
Horton, because I hate her. Thank You. Love, Denise

* Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.

* Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.

* I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so
much hair all over.

* I keep waiting for Spring but it never comes yet. Please don't
forget.

* I think the stapler is on of your greatest inventions.

* I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never
do it.

* Of all the people who work for you, I like Peter and John the
best.

* My brother told me about being born but it sure doesn't sound
right.

* If you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes.

* I like the story about Chanuka the best of all of them. You really
made up some good ones!!

* I would like to live for 900 years like the guy in the bible.

* We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said
you did it. So, I bet he stole your idea.

* If you would of let the dinasour not exstinct we would not have a
country...I think you did the right thing.

* It is great the way you always get the stars in the Right places.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Might Be In Education If ...

You believe the teacher's lounge should have a valium salt lick.

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all
your holidays and summers free."

You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOOO much
easier.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter
schools or home schooling.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER
DREAM of doing your job.

You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you
could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the
moment you heard it.

Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is
this kid like this?"

You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says,
"Boy, the kids sure are quiet today."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: From The Mouths of Babes

This real-life excerpt is from the Journal of Nursing Jocularity, a
humor magazine for nurses:

"A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough,"
a nurse writes. "She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was
trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, 'Shhh, I have to
see if Barney is in there.' The child looked at me and calmly
stated, 'I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear.'"

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</collage404>