Collage 406              H u m o u r N e t              11 Jan 1999

I want to write a letter to New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani.

You see, New York is in the unenviable position of being able to
play the single most extraordinary practical joke that the world has
ever seen. Mayor Giuliani has announced that 1999 was the final year
for the current New Year's ball that they drop in Times Square every
New Year's Eve. They are planning to replace it with a new ball for
the new millennium (rumor has it that it will be a crystal ball --
but I digress).

Now, picture this: It is the evening of December 31, 1999, and the
entire world is one huge party. A certain song by The Artist Formerly
Known As Prince(tMS) is blaring from PA systems the world over.
<shudder> Sysadmins are predominantly attending mandatory office
parties, quietly praying that all those "We Have No Y2K Problem"
memos they sent out during the year don't come back to haunt them.
And New York City is stacking them three-deep in Times Square --
hundreds of thousands of drunken, freezing idiots who will have only
bad hangovers and the early signs of pneumonia with which to welcome
the Third Millennium.

Suddenly, the ball starts to drop ... champagne corks are poised at
the ready ... the tension mounts -- especially for the sysadmins at
those mandatory office parties ... Times Square is about to erupt in
a cataclysmic explosion of inebriated humanity that is completely,
blissfully ignorant of Y2K except that it's a really great reason to
kiss several thousand complete strangers ... and finally, the new
Times Square New Year's ball lights up -- and proudly (?) displays:



           1            9999            000            000
          11          999 999          00 00          00 00
         111         99    99         00   00        00   00
        1111        999    99        00     00      00     00
       1 111         99    99        00     00      00     00
         111         999   99        00     00      00     00
         111          999  99        00     00      00     00
         111           999999        00     00      00     00
         111               99        00     00      00     00
         111               99        00     00      00     00
         111               99        00     00      00     00
         111               99         00   00        00   00
         111         99    99          00 00          00 00
       11111111       999999            000            000



You have to admit, it's a great plan. It would be the world's most
memorable practical joke (well, next to the U.S. having elected Bill
Clinton to a second term) -- and Mayor Giuliani could be just the man
to pull it off.

Or at least he'll HAVE to be the man to pull it off, since no one
else is really in a position to put the wrong damned century on the
ball in Times Square.

Well, I'm off to compose my letter to Rudy. Meanwhile, we'll hear
from the geeks in the audience. They're the only ones who are sure
to understand the "1900" joke, anyway -- as well they should,
considering that they're the ones who created the problem in the
first place. ;-)

Steve B. kicks off the Geek Fest with "Special Relativity --
Explained (Geek Version)";

Jasper J. in The Netherlands sends us "Special Relativity --
Explained (Layman's Version)";

(The more astute among you will notice a pattern in the subject
lines for this Collage. ;-)

Jake S. in (near?) Santa Rosa, California, brings us a topical piece
titled, "Chemistry -- Explained";

Brian H. in Wenham, Massachusetts, takes credit for "Physics --
Explained";

David F. submits to us "The Relationship Between Life and Complex
Numbers -- Explained";

and a long-time subscriber who used to work for Hughes Aircraft
Corporation, but apparently left when the Federal investigators came
to the door (and thus his subscription record no longer exists in
my database, though I know that he is now subscribed from somewhere
else -- most likely in China -- and will contact me to take credit
(?) for this submission) contributes the piece titled, "Higher Math
-- Explained";

Dylan K. in San Francisco, California, continues the good fight with
"Lower Math -- Explained (Sort Of)";

Ronny C., Sydney, Australia, (with an assist from Jason Eisner) brings
us "Mathematicians -- Explained";

"Daniel H. in (or near) College Park, Maryland, sends along the
"Heisenberg Uncertainly Principle -- Explained";

Will in Markham, Ontario, subjects us to "Thermodynamics -- FINALLY
Explained";

and Martin L. closes this one out with "The Big Bang -- Explained."

Whew! What a line-up. Huge thanks to our resident geeks, and a big
Thanks In Advance to Mayor Giuliani for going along with the Y2K
practical joke. (I just know he's gonna go for it. <heh>)

Happy Last Year Of The Millennium (HLYOTM) to everyone. And
remember, there are only 354 shopping days left until the entire
banking industry collapses -- so spend it if ya got it! ;-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Special Relativity -- Explained (Geek Version)
Excerpted from the "Dear Duke" web site: <http://www.dearduke.com/>

Dear Duke,

I work for NASA and have been researching ways to break the light
barrier. Face it Duke, if we are ever going to get out of the solar
system we will need to travel faster than light. After careful study
of the laws of general relativity I'm totally stuck. I just can't
seem to get by in the time space continuum faster than light. Any
bright ideas Duke?

Unenlightened

Dear Unenlightened,

I understand your frustration. I wrestled with this problem for
years before I solved it. The secret to warp drive (as the Trekkies
call it) is what I call ATM drive. Ever notice when you're in line
at an ATM how the person in front of you is slower than you are when
you do your transaction? From a relativistic point of view, you are
slower than the person in line behind you. And he is slower than the
person behind him. It's easy to see that the longer you extend the
line the faster the people get at their transactions. At some point,
someone will punch through the light barrier. Reaching this point
doesn't take very long. You only need a few hundred people in line.
Just harness this energy and you'll go far.

If you have any doubt about this next time you watch the voyages of
the Starship Enterprise take a careful look at the back end of the
ship. You'll notice an ATM machine.

Duke

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Special Relativity -- Explained (Layman's Version)

"Put your hand on a stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That's relativity."
  -- Albert Einstein

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Chemistry -- Explained

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up
new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass.
Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all
elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons;
attracts only morons.

Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a
series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often
called Boron.

Innofensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons,
quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not
possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in
motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter
what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge
is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for
calculating it.

Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach
lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

[Editor's Note: No, but Ted Kennedy is evidence that many of them
can often be found *near* solutions. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Physics -- Explained
By Brian Hall

[This is] my quote; it came up during a frustrating physics lab:

"Maybe the world is off by a factor of ten and we're all right."

[Editor's Note: Anyone who has ever taken a physics lab can relate
to this one. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Relationship Between Life and Complex Numbers -- Explained

Life is complex: Part real, part imaginary.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Higher Math -- Explained

From an MBA student at Boston University:

  And the stupid question from last night's Marketing class:

    "If you take the absolute value of a number, will it ever be
    negative?"

  That wasn't as good as the Finance question:

    "How can I make a number negative on my calculator?"

Yep, that +/- button screws me up every time.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Lower Math -- Explained (Sort Of)

"Tom" posted the following question to the VISBAS-L (a Visual Basic
discussion list):

    "Is there any way to check to see if a random number is
    divisible by 7 with no remainder?"

Any number of people have since responded with the correct answer:

    if TheNumber MOD 7 = 0 then
        'the number is evenly divisible by 7
    else
        'the number is oddly divisible by 7 ;-)
    end if

Then I saw this answer from "John":

    No -- I believe 7 is the only unitary number that can.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Mathematicians -- Explained

An engineer, a physicist and an economist are washed up on a desert
island with a can of beans.

The engineer knows what to do: "Let's get a couple of rocks and
scrape them together until one is sharp. We'll take the sharp rock
and bang, bang, bang it against the top of the can until it makes a
little hole big enough to get some beans out."

The physicist and the economist object: "What kind of plan is that?
First we have to find the rocks, then we have to go scrape scrape
scrape, then we have to go bang bang bang, then it's one bean at a
time. We're hungry! We want our beans now!" The physicist continues,
"Look, you two, we're going to have to build a fire anyway. Let's
just put the can on the fire. The water inside will turn into steam,
the pressure will build up, and eventually -- pop!"

"Pop?!?" exclaim the others. "Jeepers creepers, we're gonna be
picking beans outta the rocks for weeks! We want our beans now!"

Miffed, the physicist turns to the economist and says, "All right,
then, what would YOU do?"

The economist paces up and down. He sits on a rock. He strokes his
beard. Finally -- he's got it. "First," he says, authoritatively,
rising to his feet, "let us assume a can opener ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Heisenberg Uncertainly Principle -- Explained

"Fly Heisenberg Air: Don't know where we are, but we're making good
time!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Thermodynamics -- FINALLY Explained

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during
my Freshman year, that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I
sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be
true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student received the only A.

[Editor's Note: It is interesting to note that his conclusions are
not applicable to Boyle's Law, but to the Ideal Gas Law; Boyle's Law
applies only if temperature is held constant, which is not the case
here. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Big Bang -- Explained

Big Bang Theory: "In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded."
  -- Terry Pratchett

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