Collage 408              H u m o u r N e t              01 Apr 1999

Yes, it has been quite a while since the last HumourNet Collage went
out -- but no, I'm not really shutting down HumourNet. I'm merely
planning to become the Internet's *only* humour mailing list with a
single annual posting. :-)

But don't think that a long delay between Collages means that we've
been slacking off here at HQ HumourNet; much the opposite, we have
been working harder than ever. For example, one of our most recent
exploits was to reserve the domain name "internet-police.net". "Why?"
you ask? Well, it's simple: If you spend enough time on the 'Net,
you will eventually run across a member of the clue-free crowd who
threatens to "report you to the Internet authorities." (They have
different variations on the theme, but they all threaten to report
you to some [often unnamed] authority somewhere.) Until now, all you
could really do was try to lend a clue to the individual. But not
any more!

Enter the Internet Police Force -- your men and women in cyber blue,
walking the e-beat 24-7, patrolling the on-ramps of the information
superhighway, looking for the disreputable bits in society -- okay,
I'll stop with the bad metaphor. In short, there's now a genuine
"authority" on the Internet. We have yet to figure just what sort
of authority we have, though the most reliable information we've
received so far is "none at all." But that certainly hasn't stopped
us from accepting complaints of abuse, stupidity, and unadulterated
incompetence around the 'Net -- and doing absolutely nothing about
them.

So, how does this affect you? Easy: There are several "public"
addresses within the internet-police.net domain that you can use to
"report" people. (Please be sure to use ".net" and not ".com", as the
".com" domain is owned by someone else, and it's not nice to send
complaints to the wrong police force.) If you're up against a
completely clue-free Internet newbie, and you want to have some *real*
fun, go ahead and copy (Cc) one of the public addresses the next time
you write to the person -- and be sure to tell him that you are
"reporting him to the Internet Police." That's sure to get him riled
up. <g>

The addresses that you can use to "report" people are the following:

    911
    abuse
    captain
    chief
    complaints
    desk-sergeant
    detective
    emergency
    enforcement
    enforcement-division
    enforcer
    help
    inspector
    lieutenant
    major
    officer
    reports
    swat
    swat-team
    swatteam
    vice
    vice-squad

Just pick the account that you would like to use, and be sure to
append "@internet-police.net" in order to form the entire address.
(I'd have posted actual addresses, but then Police Headquarters
would end up getting more spam than legitimate reports.)

Now for the fun part: All of the messages that are sent to the
Internet Police are archived on a public web site for all to read.
E-mail addresses are "munged," so that they are not visible to
anyone reading the archives (this helps to protect people from spam
or other unsolicited abuse). To access the Internet Police Public
Archive, known as the "Blotter" list, just point your browser at
Topica.com:

    <http://www.topica.com/>

You will see a search box at the bottom of the page; enter the words
"police blotter" and hit "Search." Then click on the "Read This List"
button ... and enjoy. <g>

You will note that there are already quite a few messages in there
-- this is because several humour list moderators got together to
play a little April Fool's joke on a couple of mailing lists. (I've
played some sort of April Fool's joke on HumourNet every year for the
past few years -- which, I'm sure, is just what you were expecting me
to do *this* year. Well, I decided that you folks deserved an
opportunity to have fun at someone ELSE'S expense for a change.)

The setting for this year's joke was Ray Owens's "Joke a Day" mailing
list <http://www.jokeaday.com/> and Cathie Walker's "Centre for the
Easily Amused" web site <http://www.amused.com/> (both are excellent
sites, BTW). Cathie and Ray are very good friends -- but, for this
year's April Fool's joke, they decided to stage a little fight
between themselves. You can get the basic gist of the ruse by going
to <http://www.amused.com/ray.html> on Cathie's web site.

At the close of their little squabble, they "reported" each other to
... you guessed it, the Internet Police! And they encouraged their
representative readerships to do the same. You can imagine what
happened.

The fun began at about 0600 EST on 1 April 1999, and yielded more
than 1000 messages posted to the Internet Police Blotter by the close
of its first day. Some of the messages are really quite hysterical --
go take a look at the Blotter and see for yourself. (While you're
there, note that Topica is conducting an "Easter Egg Hunt" in which
you can win $5000. And if you win, I get half. :-)

But don't just take my word for it; here are some selected comments
from other members of the Internet Police Force regarding the
messages posted to the Blotter list today:

    I suspect I'm going to spend the entire day reading the
    Blotter. This is truly funny.
        -- Cmdr. Bill Fuller

    I only had time to read a little of the Blotter so far, but
    it looks like people are falling for it hook, line, and sinker.
        -- Lt. Bruce Giles

    Some of the postings to the Police Blotter are PRICELESS!
        -- Cpt. Randy Cassingham

    This is even funnier than Al Gore thinking that he invented
    the Internet.
        -- Pres. William Clinton

Enjoy. And note that we're really not laughing *at* anyone here --
it's all just in good fun. Remember, the problem is not that people
are stupid; the problem is that modems are cheap.

Meanwhile, to celebrate both April Fool's Day and the launch of the
Internet Police Force, I have a combination of police humour and
April Fool's humour for you ...

Our first reports were filed by Chris K. in Bushkill, Pennsylvania:
"Bark Like a Dog!" and "Pinball Wizards";

Katy A. in Norwich, England, follows up with "I Wondered Why the
Path 'Round the Lake Was Suddenly Busy";

Laura M. at the Army Research Lab in Adelphi, Maryland, sends along
"The Very Real Need For Gun Control";

Tom B. in (or near) Dunedin, Florida, contributes "Where's The Holy
Hand Grenade When You Need It";

Shawn King, moderator of our sister list, "Bawdy.Net," sends us the
"Mac of the Month Club";

and one of the long-time HumourNet subscribers, Lorraine D. in Katy,
Texas, closes this one out with "Humour Banned on the Net."

An April Fool's Day-sized thank you our contributors -- and a brief
but insincere apology to everyone who wrote to me asking what joke I
was going to play on HumourNet *this* year. <heh> Rest assured that
fun was had by all -- and all at the expense of some *other* mailing
list.

And finally, remember that you now have a place on the Internet where
you can "report" those clueless idiots who get on your nerves -- the
Internet Police Force stands ready to protect and swerve. (Thanks,
Bill.)

Let's be careful out there.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Bark Like a Dog!
By Sgt. B. Joe Pauley; Muncie, IN
Excerpted from "In The Line Of Duty," Gall's Catalog, August, 1996

It was about 10pm when a reserve officer and I attempted to stop a
vehicle for some minor traffic violations. I flipped on the red
lights and the chase was on. The pursuit took us out of town and
onto a gravel road.

After traveling a mile or so, the car slid to a stop and five guys
bailed out. They took off across a clearing and into a thicket of
briars and brush.

Seeing how five against two was pretty poor odds for a foot chase,
particularly in a tall thicket, I told my reserve to "start barking
like a dog and don't quit!" Then got on the PA and ordered them to
"give up or I was going to let the dog go." Sure enough! In less
then a minute all five guys came out with their hands up, pleading
for us not to let loose the dog.

Fortunately, I didn't have to.

----------[ H U M O U R N E T ]----------

SUBJ: Pinball Wizards
By Edward P. Dellacroce; Goldsboro, NC
Excerpted from "In The Line Of Duty," Gall's Catalog, August, 1996

Early one morning, while serving in the US Air Force as a Law
Enforcement Specialist, I found the Officer's Club Lounge unsecured.
Communications dispatched a K-9 Unit as my backup. Once arriving on
the scene the dog began to alert on interior noises. After
announcing our presence we began to enter for a search. As we
approached the doorway a hideous sounding man's voice shouted "Death
to all ye who enter here!"

We both stopped and looked at each other, then drew our weapons not
knowing what to expect. The room was in total darkness. As we
entered the voice continued to issue various warnings. The dog began
to growl and bark.

A quick check solved the mystery. We found a pinball machine turned
on in the game room. We both sat down and laughed out of control.
Funny thing... at that point we could have used a drink, but the bar
was closed.

[Editor's Note: It was at this point that the person who'd broken into
the "O" Club fired on both officers ... Okay, that's not true. </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: I Wondered Why the Path 'Round the Lake Was Suddenly Busy ...

This appeared in the latest edition of the University of East Anglia
[student] campus newspaper, 'Concrete':

"Campus residents are asked to be on alert this week after a naked
man exposed himself to a female student on University Drive....
Calls for greater safety were answered by UEA Security Supremo
(sic), Maurice Morson. 'This incident is not part of a general
pattern,' he reassured, 'it happened in an unusual place; it's
usually down by the lake.'"

[Editor's Note: Katy adds, "I'm sure the timetables for these
incidents will be posted to the paper in time for the next issue."
I'm sure that the girls of UEA are just thrilled ... ;-) </vs>]

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Very Real Need For Gun Control

WMAL (a Washington, DC, radio station) reported that a Baltimore,
Maryland, policeman shot himself in the leg as he was getting ready
for work one morning.

Apparently, the holster got tangled and triggered his handgun to go
off.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Where's The Holy Hand Grenade When You Need It?

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give
them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has
to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Mac of the Month Club
by Howard Partner <72730.303@compuserve.com>
(as appeared in TidBITS, 1 April 1998; Adam Engst, editor)

---------------------
Mac of the Month Club
---------------------

Are you confused by the constant proliferation of new Macintosh
models? Worse yet, do you suffer from Mac Envy, when three weeks
after you get your new Mac a new model appears offering twice the
features at half the price?

Your frustrations will be gone forever when you become a member of
the Mac of the Month Club. Each month you will be sent the latest
Mac model computer, printer, digital camera, or whatever! Try it out
at your leisure. If you like it, keep it. If not, just return it.
You simply agree to purchase just three Macintosh computers,
printers, digital cameras, or scanners each year! We will
automatically bill your MasterCard, Visa, American Express, or
parents.

To start off your subscription as a charter member of the Mac of the
Month Club, just choose three of these great Macintosh classics for
only $9.99:

**The Mac Plus** -- It comes complete with floppy drive, System 4.2,
MacPaint, MacDraw, MacWrite, and QuickDex! Won't this tan beauty
look great alongside your 8-track player and rotary telephone!

**The ImageWriter** -- Shipped to you complete with 42 yards of
perforated computer paper. Leave your ImageWriter turned on and
printing when you leave home or office. Burglars will think you're
having a class reunion inside and steer clear! [Editor's note: Apple
only recommends use of the ImageWriter as a home security device for
trips under two weeks -- in that time the ImageWriter will either
finish the document or jam, thus eliminating its utility as a
security device. -Adam]

**Floppies Galore** -- Two thousand pre-formatted 400K MFS floppy
disks. They make great party coasters, mini-frisbees, or bathroom
tiles!

**Graphics Extravaganza!** -- SuperPaint 1.0, FullPaint, Canvas 1.0,
and PageMaker 1.0. Relive the days of the Desktop Publishing
Revolution just like the early pioneers, in the comfort of your own
home or office.

**ThunderScan** -- It's the scanner that pops into your ImageWriter
just like a ribbon cartridge. Your kids will spend days spellbound
by the sight of your stock certificates, magazine photos, and old
love letters coming into view on your computer screen. You'll be
surprised and thrilled each time you turn on your computer and view
these items as startup screens.

Send in your application today to the Mac of the Month Club.
Membership is not available to residents of Cuba, certain Middle
Eastern principalities, or planets currently at perihelion. A small
charge for shipping and handling will be applied to all orders.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Humour Banned on the Net

For immediate release
Washington D C
April 1

Today, the United States Congress passed new legislation related to
the CDA bill. Effective immediately, "no postings of a humorous or
amusing nature may be transmitted electronically via the Internet,
bulletin boards, FAX or any other means of electronic
communications."

According to Congressional spokesperson Ima Dredge, "We have
confiscated names from so-called 'joke list maintainers' and those
who post alleged humorous material, or even read alleged humour on
Internet newsgroups." Ms. Dredge continued, "Idiotic humor has no
place in cyberspace; that is reserved for politicians in Washington.
Those clowns have the audacity to think they have some sort of right
to freedom of speech, without repercussions. The Internet must be
returned to the serious, listless place it once was. We have
authorized the military to hunt down and delete anyone who has
posted or read anything that might be considered funny."

It has been reported throughout the US that military special forces
squads have been conducting raids, dubbed 'Operation NoJoke,'
throughout the day. General Darth Slader, in charge of 'user delete'
operations, admitted, "Sure, I like a good belly-laugh as much as
the next guy, but Congress says it's illegal now when mixed with
computers. So, we've got a job to do." The General added, "This is
sure a hellofa lot easier than trying to take out guys with weapons.
Just a bunch of computer geeks; like shooting fish in a barrel.
We've developed 'Smart Oriented Bombs' (SOB) which can be sent
through e-mail to suspected jokers; got the idea from the Unabomber.
When they pick up their mail, their modem explodes, taking out the
system, and hopefully the user. Neat, clean and untraceable."

Local authorities have reported a rash of exploding computers and
military raids. It appears joke-list providers have been especially
hard hit, but more cases of average joke readers are beginning to
surface. Several renegade jokesters have moved underground and been
able to avoid the military slaughter. You may receive this notice
before it's too late.

DO NOT read any jokes from the Internet! If someone tries to tell
you a joke, just say NO. If someone asks you "Why did the chicken
cross the road?" reply that you don't know -- it's a trick question.
Delete any humorous material from your computer and backups. Do not
laugh, or even smile while sitting at your computer. Remember, there
may be an SOB with your name on it.

...[Transmission Interrupted]...

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</collage408>