Collage 409              H u m o u r N e t              25 Apr 1999

HumourNet has been the source of several innovations on the humour
mailing list front -- but probably none has been so widely acclaimed
as the Unsubscription Fee.

If you're new to HumourNet, then you are new to unsubscription fees
-- though a quick trip through your Welcome message will bring you
up to speed on the basic idea. For the complete history of the unsub
fee concept, refer to the Unsubscription Fee Archive page:

  <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/Unsub_Fee.html>

Plenty of great reading in there -- and I think you'll find that this
year is no different. <g> We start off with Gary C., who was actually
being quite smart about the whole deal by checking with me *before*
subscribing:

    Is this going to cost me anything? I'm a poor restaurant
    owner in Frankfort, KY, and I can't afford this if it's
    going to cost a lot of money.

I explained that it is entirely free to subscribe -- but leaving the
list incurs a $5 charge. Gary seemed to be comfortable with that, and
subsequently subscribed.

But not everyone was smart enough to check in advance -- and since
the "Goodbye" message that people receive when they unsubscribe
includes a note that their credit cards have been charged the $5.00
unsubscription fee, well, I often get to converse at length with some
of the synaptically challenged crowd. For example, when Jay S. found
that he had screwed up to the tune of five whole dollars, he really
went all out to fabricate a plausible-sounding story for us:

  [Editor's Note: Wherever possible, I have preserved the original
  spelling, punctuation, and grammar in the senders' messages. </vs>]

    A few weeks ago I upgraded my netcom acct to accommodate an
    extra mail box. Ever since then I have been inundated by
    junk e-mail, and somehow got onto a bunch of mailing lists
    in which I have never had any interest.

    I have been strggling to get my name off these lists. Now
    you have the nerve to say you will collect $5 from me
    because of some "Welcome" message that I would have seen if
    I had actually signed onto your list.

    I did not subscribe to Humournet or any other of your
    services, and want to be removed from them with no further
    inconvenience to myself.

Jay must be brutal at the Customer Service counter in J.C. Penney.
Unfortunately, this time he failed to do his homework: HumourNet uses
a standard confirmation mechanism that makes it virtually impossible
for someone else to subscribe you without your knowledge (unless they
have access to your e-mail account). Jay never wrote back to me.

Another person who got caught by the confirmation process was Suzi N.
of McLean, Virginia:

    SN> I NEVER SUBSCRIBED TO THIS DUMB THING SO WHY SHOULD I BE
    SN> FINED $5.00? PLEASE EXPLAIN YOURSELVES!


    vs: Please calm down, Suzi. Take a deep breath ...

    vs: There.

    vs: Feel better? Good. Because you'll feel rotten all over
    vs: again in about ten minutes (the estimated time for you to
    vs: read this message).

    vs: All subscriptions to HumourNet must be "confirmed" by
    vs: someone at the actual e-mail address that is trying to
    vs: subscribe. It is not our responsibility to screen -- or
    vs: even know -- EVERY person who uses your e-mail account, and
    vs: require individual confirmations from each of them. It is
    vs: your responsibility to exercise appropriate control over
    vs: your e-mail account, and ensure that the people who use your
    vs: account do not divulge your credit card numbers to the
    vs: undesirable elements of the Internet -- of which HumourNet
    vs: unquestionably is one (or more).

    vs: I am sorry that you feel you did not get a good value for
    vs: your $5.00 investment in HumourNet. However, we do
    vs: appreciate your patronage, so maybe that will make you feel
    vs: better.

I never heard back from Suzi; at last report, she was still missing
and presumed cured.

The following message from Mihai E. simply amused me to no end. I
think I might have to have it framed:

    I'm disappointed: I have just unsubscribed, but doing so
    have discovered that you're stupid.

This guy spent MONTHS on HumourNet, but didn't figure that one out
until he unsubscribed. And he's calling *me* stupid? Sheesh. ;-)

Some people never quite seem to comprehend the whole HumourNet concept
until the day they unsubscribe. Take Tamara H. in New York ...

    TH> Excuse me? I do not remember giving out my credit card
    TH> number. And I definitely do not remember any "unsubscription
    TH> fee" in any welcome message. I have repeatedly tried to
    TH> unsubscribe from this list and every few weeks you keep
    TH> sending more mail. So I unsubscribe again. And you send more
    TH> mail a few weeks later.

    TH> If you have obtained my credit card number it is certainly
    TH> through illegal means since I have never willingly revealed
    TH> this information to you. Therefore, I demand that you do not
    TH> attempt to charge me a $5 fee for finally getting off your
    TH> list after months of trying.


    vs: Hi Tamara,

    vs: I don't see what you are getting so upset about -- $5 isn't
    vs: that much! Let me know if you would like the charge removed,
    vs: though; for a small fee, we'll be happy to do that. But you
    vs: will have to pay the fee in advance by check. Fees range from
    vs: $2 to $8, depending on your location and the type of modem
    vs: you're using. Please attach a photo of your modem to the
    vs: check. Thanks!

    vs: Sincerely,
    vs: Vince Sabio

    vs: P.S. -- I'm glad to hear that you finally got off after
    vs: months of trying.

    vs: BCC: Entire Internet

As you can see, I go out of my way to compose thoughtful responses
to each and every one of these people -- yet I rarely hear back from
them. I never received a reply from Miss Tamara. No surprise there,
I guess.

Sometimes I do get a response, however -- and that's when the fun
REALLY starts. For example, this one from Cindy F. in Wayne, Nebraska:

    CF> I would like to unsubscribe to your Humour Net. Please take
    CF> me off of your mailing list. Thank you.


    vs: That will be $5.00, please.


    CF> Why is it 5.00 It said no where that I would ever owe any
    CF> money. Take me off the list. That is why I subscribed to it
    CF> in the first place.


    vs: Well, if the REASON that you subscribed in the first place
    vs: was to pay money, then you should have no problem with the
    vs: unsubscription fee.

    vs: In fact, you should WANT to unsubscr-- uh, okay, I think I
    vs: understand now. You'll be charged the $5.00 rate, just like
    vs: you asked, but you will have to unsubscribe yourself --
    vs: otherwise I cannot charge you.


    CF> I didn't subscribe to pay money. It stated no where that I
    CF> would have to pay. I will NOT be paying the $5.00. And
    CF> where do I unsubscribe?


    vs: Actually, it stated this quite clearly in the Welcome
    vs: message you received when you subscribed -- you know the one
    vs: that starts off with, "You should keep this message for
    vs: future reference!" You DID keep that message, didn't you?

The reference back to the Welcome message seemed to turn the trick for
Cindy, as I never heard back from her after that. But not to worry;
the conversation continues in other parts of the Internet. We hear
next from Dahte H. of the U.S. Army PERSCOM in Heidelberg, Germany:

    DH> PLEASE REMOVE MY ADDRESS IMMEDIATELY FROM YOUR STUPID EMAIL
    DH> JOKES LISTING!!! I DID NOT ASK TO SUBSCRIBE AND WILL NOT PAY
    DH> YOU ANYTHING TO UNSUBSCRIBE...


    vs: You subscribed yourself (subscriptions have to be confirmed,
    vs: so no one else could have subscribed you against your will),
    vs: so you can unsubscribe yourself. And pay the damned fee,
    vs: like everyone else. Cheapskate.


    DH> SEND ME A COPY OF MY "SUBSCRIPTION"...


    vs: I'm sorry, but that is classified information. You will have
    vs: to demonstrate a legitimate need to know prior to release of
    vs: that information.


    DH> "CLASSIFIED" ??? DO YOU THINK THAT WILL STAND UP IN COURT ???

    DH> SINCE YOU SAID THAT I SIGNED UP FOR YOUR "JOKE" EMAIL AND I
    DH> SAID THAT I DID NOT, I BELIEVE THE LEAST YOU CAN DO TO SHOW
    DH> ME MY "REQUEST"...

    DH> I REPEAT THE REQUEST: SEND ME THE "SUBSCRIPTION" REQUEST
    DH> THAT YOU SAID YOU RECEIVED FROM ME.


    vs: Dahte,

    vs: I believe that your CAPS LOCK key is stuck. If you will look
    vs: on the left side of your keyboard, you should see a key
    vs: labeled "CAPS LOCK," or "SHIFT LOCK," or "LOCK" or
    vs: "<something> LOCK." Do you see it?

    vs: Good. Press it once.

    vs: Now, try typing again. I think that you will notice that you
    vs: suddenly have much greater control over your capitalization.

    vs: I realize that you're probably still new to this whole
    vs: "electricity" thing, so I'll try to take this one step at
    vs: a time. In our next session, we'll attempt to answer that
    vs: burning question, "Why do some people like to insert a
    vs: space before a question mark?"

    vs: Like I said, we'll take it slowly.

    vs: Warm regards,
    vs: Vince

I think that the Caps Lock thing overwhelmed her somewhat, as I am
still awaiting her response. It has been nearly a year now. And it
has also been about that long for Dawn N. in Gaithersburg, Maryland:

    DN> I have never seen anything about a unsubscription fee and I
    DN> don't even have a credit card. I have belonged to this for
    DN> quite a while. If they want to charge me then forget the
    DN> cancellation.


    vs: Sorry, Dawn -- the charge has already gone through. If you
    vs: resubscribe, though, I'll refund your money.


    DN> Where are you charging this to?


    vs: Your credit card. Why?


    DN> I don't have a credit card.


    vs: That's odd -- VISA/MasterCard Corp. seems to think you do.
    vs: In fact, they delayed posting my $5 charge, since your
    vs: payment was three days late last month.

    vs: Please try to be more timely with your payments in the
    vs: future so that we may process our fees in an expedient
    vs: manner. Thank you.

ANOTHER one from whom I never heard back.

But not all of them fail to return my correspondence; for example, Pei
in Rapid City, South Dakota, was kind enough to end the communication
himself. It started with this comment in response to the Goodbye
message, which states that your credit card will be billed US$5.00:

    PEI> I don't have a credit card, so i don't see how you could...


    vs: In that case, we bill it through your ISP.


    PEI> don't


    vs: Uh, *too late*. Your ISP processed the charge without any
    vs: questions, though, so I don't think there's a problem.

    vs: Thank you for your patronage. :-)


    PEI> No they didn't, i just checked with them, goodbye, you are
    PEI> on my auto-trash list

Well, no need to leave in a huff, Pei; after all, it was just starting
to get interesting. <g> But that's okay, Peter G. in Minneapolis,
Minnesota, stepped in to take the reins here -- and an excellent time
was had by all:

    PG> I hope you are joking about charging me for unsubscribing,
    PG> as I have never authorized a charge for HumourNet.


    vs: This is our standard unsubscription fee, as explained quite
    vs: clearly in the Welcome message you received when you
    vs: subscribed. It has been billed through your ISP.

    vs: Thank you for your patronage!


    PG> Please send me a copy of the Welcome message you sent me to
    PG> verify that I've accepted this charge. I do not recall
    PG> authorizing or agreeing to this outrageous arrangement.


    vs: The Welcome message was sent to you automatically by the list
    vs: server when you subscribed. You know, it's the message that
    vs: starts off with, "You should keep this message for future
    vs: reference!"

    vs: To get a new copy of the Welcome message, you will have to
    vs: resubscribe and unsubscribe, in which case you will be
    vs: charged another $5.00. If that is unacceptable, then I'll
    vs: gladly send you a copy of the Welcome message for $2.50, but
    vs: you will have to agree to this up front. It will be charged
    vs: through your ISP (Netcom) in either case.

    vs: Again, thank you for your patronage.


    PG> Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I asked you to send me a copy
    PG> of the actual transmission you claim to have sent me, not
    PG> what you claim you now send.


    vs: Perhaps I wasn't clear enough: That's exactly what I did.


    PG> I can't say if I have or don't have the copy you sent, as
    PG> I've been receiving this mail for over a year.


    vs: You're *kidding*!?! And you do not recall ANY discussions
    vs: about the unsubscription fees?


    [Editor's Note: The mind boggles. </vs>]


    PG> I'm filing a protest with my provider over any charge you
    PG> put on my account.


    vs: Well, they processed the charge already, so it's probably
    vs: too late for that.


    PG> This is a first class scam ...


    vs: EXCUSE *ME*, but there is nothing "First Class" about
    vs: HumourNet. Please do not try to give us more credit than
    vs: we deserve.


    PG> ... and, since it's easy to flood the bandwidth, I'll happily
    PG> broadcast this dishonest practice everywhere ...


    vs: Please be sure to include the subscription instructions and/or
    vs: the URL for our home page: <http://www.humournet.com/>. Thanks!


    PG> ... including governmental agencies that oversee interstate
    PG> businesses. Have you heard of wire fraud?


    vs: WHAT??? I never sold you any wires.


    PG> A more honest approach would be to reply to unsubscribe
    PG> requests with a reminder of the fee and to give the
    PG> subscriber the option of changing his mind.


    vs: You can still change your mind. I offer a $5 credit for
    vs: resubscribes; simple as that. But did you think to ASK me
    vs: about that before threatening to turn me over to the IRS,
    vs: FBI, SEC, HHS, IDA, DOD, CIA, NSA, NRO, DOT, DOC, PHD, BSEE,
    vs: GNU, TCP/IP, DUH, DNRC, and NAACP?

    vs: No, you didn't, did you?

    vs: Well, I'm not going to tell you about it until you ask ...

A little while later, I received this ...

    Date: Wed, 18 Mar 1998 04:59:02 -0600
    To: accounting@netcom.com
    From: Peter G. <address_deleted@netcom.com>
    Subject: Protesting a charge on my account
    Cc: "Vince Sabio, HumourNet Moderator" <moderator@HumourNet.com>

    Hi!

    I'm writing to protest a charge that is being posted to my
    Netcom account by HumourNet. I asked to unsubscribe and was
    informed that I am being billed, through my ISP, Netcom, $5
    to unsubscribe. I have no recollection of agreeing to this,
    and did not get a warning before the charge was applied. Had
    I known, I'd have simply remained subscribed and filtered
    the mail to my trash.

    I believe this is a fraudulent practice, and since it's an
    internet commercial enterprise, this is probably interstate
    wire fraud.

    Please do not honor this vendor's charge to my Netcom
    account.

    Here's some of our correspondence:

    [insert correspondence]

Sometimes, it's like shooting staked rabbits. Oddly enough, Netcom
never contacted me about reversing the charge. Nor did they press
charges for wire fraud. I can only guess that they are still
laughing too hard to press the SEND buttons on their mail clients.

Speaking of defrauding the public, we hear yet another complaint about
HumourNet from Scott D. in London, Ontario:

    SD> Exactly witch credit card number do you plan on charging, for
    SD> me for unsubscribing, because I know it cant be mine. Good
    SD> luck!


    vs: We bill it through the credit card that you supplied to your
    vs: ISP.


    SD> This is not something that I am impressed with. It has to do
    SD> with the reputation of the business which you are trying to
    SD> operate.


    vs: Reputation? Sure, we have a reputation -- not a *good* one,
    vs: mind you, but it's a reputation and we're damned proud of it.


    SD> I did not supply a credit card number to my ISP ...


    vs: No problem -- then we bill it directly through your ISP, and
    vs: it will appear on your bill when you renew your account. Or
    vs: if you really *did* supply a credit card number, then it'll
    vs: automatically bill to that.


    SD> ... but, I will now inform others of your "customer
    SD> unfriendly" practices.


    vs: Thank you! Please be sure to include subscription
    vs: instructions. :-)

I have a hunch that Scott never sent the subscription instructions to
any of his friends. Damned liar.

Another one who apparently reneged on his offer to help spread The
Word was William W.:

    WW> How do you plan to charge my credit card 5.00 since I never
    WW> gave you the number.


    vs: If you forgot to include the number in your unsubscription
    vs: message, then please send it ASAP. Remember to include the
    vs: expiration date and a digitized copy of your signature.

    vs: Or we can simply bill it through your ISP. Your choice. Just
    vs: let me know so I can get it processed before the quarterly
    vs: report is due.


    WW> I thought this was a free service when I subscribed?


    vs: It *was* a free service when you subscribed. It *stopped*
    vs: being a free service when you UNsubscribed. That's why we
    vs: call it an "unsubscription fee." Read the Welcome message
    vs: you received when you subscribed; it's all spelled out in
    vs: 12-pt black-and-white Monaco text in the Welcome message.
    vs: (Your settings may vary.)

    vs: You *did* save the Welcome message, did you not? If not,
    vs: then you can get another copy by simply resubscribing. Of
    vs: course, if you subsequently re-unsubscribe, you will incur
    vs: another $5.00 fee. Sorry -- it's the way our accounts
    vs: receivable software is written; no way around that. (If
    vs: you think THAT'S bad, you should see the Y2K problem we
    vs: have. *WOW*!)


    WW> Let me know if I was wrong so I can make sure all my
    WW> friends know.


    vs: You were wrong -- but *thank you* for telling all your
    vs: friends about us! Please be sure to include our URL and
    vs: subscription instructions when you tell them.

    vs: Thanks again, William. This is one of the nicest favors that
    vs: I could ever expect from someone who was caught completely
    vs: unawares by the unsubscription fee! And be sure to let them
    vs: know that HumourNet carries *NO ADVERTISING* whatsoever.
    vs: (A lot of people really like that.)

  A little while later, I had the distinct honor of replying to William
  once again:

    WW> Sorry but I'm not playing this game.....

    vs: Oh. Does this mean that you won't be telling all your
    vs: friends about us?

Another Unsubscription Fee-style notification that has also been very
successful is the HumourNet Contribution Fee -- whenever you send a
contribution in to HumourNet (to the correct address), you receive a
response thanking you for your contribution and informing you that your
credit card has been charged the nominal $0.50 contribution fee.

Janet K. of Newport Beach doesn't seem to like that idea as much as I
do:

    JK> There must have been some sort of mistake. I had no intention
    JK> of making any contribution to your organization. Also, may I
    JK> ask how you were able to get my credit card number? I sure
    JK> don't remember disclosing this information to anybody in
    JK> your organization. I'm a bit concerned that you have my
    JK> personal information (i.e. credit card number) accessible
    JK> for you to use as you please.

    JK> Please disregard the note that was sent to you accidentally.
    JK> I had and have no intention of making any financial
    JK> contribution to your organization.


    vs: Nothing at all to worry about, Janet -- the process by which
    vs: we charge your credit card is entirely automated (it is
    vs: handled by via SSL by the SMTP, DUH, and IMAP servers) and I
    vs: do not personally have access to the information. Nor am I
    vs: allowed to, according to the settlement that we struck with
    vs: the Circuit Court of Mandarin County last year (see The
    vs: People vs. Vincent Jonathon Sabio, Francies Allen Township
    vs: Sheriff's Office, May 1997).

    vs: As for the note that was sent in error: I'm sorry, but the
    vs: charge is only $0.50. Processing a refund carries a $2.00
    vs: minimum charge, so I try to avoid doing that. If you send me
    vs: your postal address, though, I will gladly mail you the
    vs: fifty cents (minus postage).

  And then a little while later ...

    JK> I understand that your organization encourages humor,


    vs: We do subsidize humour coursework at the college level, yes.


    JK> but I think this is one of those few occasions to be
    JK> serious.


    vs: Huh? Who died?


    JK> Was $0.50 charged to my credit card because I've
    JK> accidentally sent you an e-mail which you have incorrectly
    JK> assumed that I've shown a desire to make a contribution?


    vs: No, it was charged because you sent a contribution to the
    vs: address that is used for contributions, and contributions
    vs: incur a fee. Note that this fee is charged REGARDLESS of
    vs: whether the contribution is accepted. Just for the record, I
    vs: rejected it. Though "unsubscribe humournet" is really pretty
    vs: amusing, I'm afraid that most of the list won't understand
    vs: the humour.


    JK> I'm a bit confused now. I've read the contribution
    JK> guidelines and it says that there are no contribution fees,
    JK> and yet your explanation from your last e-mail makes it seem
    JK> like there really is a contribution fee involved here.


    vs: One of them is correct. I'd put my money on the Welcome
    vs: message that you received when you joined the list. Did you
    vs: save it? It told you to. Check the section on list fees,
    vs: entitled "LIST POLICY AND CORPORATE KNOWLEDGE."


    JK> Would you please try to be serious for just this once and
    JK> tell me the truth. Am I going to be charged $0.50 for
    JK> accidentally sending you an e-mail? If so, I don't think
    JK> that's very funny.


    vs: Well, THAT'S because you're the one paying and I'm the one
    vs: receiving. If you thought that was funny, I'd be recommending
    vs: psychiatric help.

Speaking of psychiatric help, Leon L. in Powassan, Ontario, offers
some expert advice:

    Dear Vince,

    I read with interest your collage 375. I must say, as a
    psychotherapist, that you really need help. To make fun at
    the expense of another, such as a practical joke, without
    the other knowing and then to continue with that line,
    provoking more of the same, is second level abberant
    behaviour. I guess you can rejoice in that it isn't third
    level. Yet you really need help.

    This is only a symptom, which indicates that there are other
    areas in your relationships that might not be as fulfilling,
    either to you or the other person. I'm a little more worried
    about the other person. You could be considered menacing in
    your behaviour.

    I seriously suggest that you consider getting some therapy.

    I'm billing you $70 for the diagnosis.

Sorry, Leon, but you can't bill me until I _quit_ therapy. (BTW, our
lovely assistant moderator, Kim, would like to go on record as agreeing
with your diagnosis entirely.) Also, please note that I've increased
*your* unsubscription fee to $70 -- which is exactly double the fee
that I threatened to impose in Collage 392:

    Collage 392         H u m o u r N e t         01 Apr 1998

    Due to the rising cost of e-mail and the suspicious lack
    of unsubs recently, I am considering increasing the
    unsubscription fee from US$5.00 to US$35.00.

    Either that, or I might have John Mozena guest moderate
    again; the unsubscription fees from his last round in the
    driver's seat nearly covered the entire R&D costs for
    HumourNet's geosynchronous communications satellite program.

    I'm still tossed up whether it'll be a fee increase or John
    Mozena.

    Remember, HumourNet is still -- and will always be --
    entirely free to *join*, and there are no fees whatsoever
    for remaining on the list. The only time that you will ever
    encounter *ANY* fees whatsoever from this list is if you
    decide to unsubscribe.

    If you are unfamiliar with the unsubscription fee, please
    refer to the Welcome message you received when you joined
    the list. If you lost your Welcome message, then send the
    command "get humournet hello" (without the quotes) to the
    list server: <lyris@lyris.net>. A new Welcome message will
    be returned to you. (There is a $0.50 fee for this service.)

One of the most interesting aspects of the unsubscription fee concept
is how it migrates to other mailing lists. Kathy B. in El Paso, Texas,
noticed the following similarity in an ADMIN post on another mailing
list the very next day, and alerted me to it immediately:

    Subject: [ADMIN] Mac News Wire fee restructuring
    From: Michael D Flaminio <flaminio@insanely-great.com>
    Date: Wed, 1 Apr 1998 02:09:02 -0500

    Due to the rising cost of e-mail and the suspicious lack of
    unsubcriptions recently, I am considering increasing the
    unsubscription fee from US$5.00 to US$35.00.

    Either that or I will once again stop using my spell checker.
    The last time I went without my spell checker, the fees
    gained nearly paid for my trip to Arizona.

    I have yet to decided whether to raise the fee or drop the
    spell checker.

    Note that the Mac News Wire is still free to join. You will
    only incur a fee if you wish to leave the list. If you are
    unaware of this fee, please refer to the "Welcome" message
    you received when you originally joined. If you did not
    retain this message as instructed, a new copy can be obtained
    by sending an email to macnews@insanely-great.com with the
    subject "help." There is a $1 charge for this service.

  [BTW, Insanely Great Mac does have a pretty hot web site; if you're
  a Mac user, you can check it out at <http://www.insanely-great.com/>]

Well, imitation *is* the sincerest form of flattery -- and Insanely
Great Mac isn't the only organization that is flattering me these days.
Adam Bernay wrote to me about using the unsubscription fee idea on his
mailing list, too:

    Hello!

    I must say that I am rather disturbed by this notion of an
    Unsubscription Fee... not that I think it's for real, but by
    the fact that I didn't think of it first! I am the editor of
    several newsletters, a few of which are free, and I would
    like to put this unique concept to work for these
    publications.

    I know that the Unsub Fee is Patented (or Patent Pending). I
    am sure there is no Licensing Fee to use this concept, but I
    was wondering what the Unlicensing Fee is, so I will have
    the appropriate amount in my debit card account when I stop
    using it. Please let me know what the Unlicensing Fee when
    you get a chance. It's very important that I know, so please
    respond soon. Also, if you do not get this message, please
    let me know so I can resend it.

We're still working out the details on the Unlicensing Fee; more info
on that will be posted as soon as negotiations are complete.

Another guy who's always trying to horn in on my Unsubscription Fee
Empire is Ray Owens of JokeADay <http://www.jokeaday.com/>. Ray has
a great sense of humour, and likes to copy me on certain types of
correspondence -- including anything related to Unsubscription Fees.
This one was from a discussion between him and someone named Pei in
Rapid City, South Dakota (remember him? <g>) ...

    PEI> Damn, quick responce, at least you don't charge an
    PEI> unsubscribe fee like that damn a** piece of s*** HumourNet.

    RO> But I *do* charge an unsub fee like Vince does. The only
    RO> thing is: I have to give *him* a royalty. (He owns the
    RO> copyright, two trademarks AND a patent on it. It's a real
    RO> pain in the a** because it cuts into my revenue stream, but
    RO> what can I do?) I suppose I could register the unsubscribe
    RO> fees in a foreign country (I *am* in 137 of 'em), but Vince
    RO> *ALSO* has these NASA contacts. That would make him a
    RO> dangerous person to attempt to take away some of his money.
    RO> He's got access to spy satellites and the like -- I'd just
    RO> as soon give him his piece of the unsub fee and be done
    RO> with it. :)

Following this exchange, Ray subsequently had someone ask him if
HumourNet's unsubscription fee was genuine. Really bad idea to ask Ray
a question like that, as he's not one to pass up an opportunity to have
some fun with people; personally, I find this to be a rather offensive
and obnoxious personality flaw -- but you can read the whole thing and
draw your own conclusions: <http://www.jokeaday.com/nfquint.shtml>. ;-)
(Seriously, check it out -- it's pretty darned hysterical.)

But the flattery doesn't end there -- Chris White's Top5 list recently
instituted unsubscription fees <http://www.top5.com/>, and even a
satellite cable company has copied the idea! According to Nicolas T.
in Clinton, Massachusetts:

    I recently subscribed to the Dish Network satellite cable
    system. They have 3 basic starter packages ... I told them
    I'd like to subscribe to the 50 channel package, to see if
    it was worth it, and possibly switch to the 40 channels
    later if I find I don't watch the extra channels. The nice
    lady at the other end told me it costs $5 to downgrade a
    service. To upgrade to better service is free.

    Thanks for introducing the concept. :(

Heck, thank *you* for letting me know that my attorney needs to make a
few more long-distance telephone calls, Nicolas.

Generally, at this point, I would segue into a discussion of those
people who have "figured it out"; I receive some pretty amusing mail
from subscribers who are having fun with the Unsubscription Fee
concept. But since this Collage is already well over its character
count (there are far too many characters in here already), I will
have to save that for a future Collage. Not only will it include
some amusing mail from subscribers who've applied the Unsub Fee
concept themselves, but, in the "Revenge Is Sweet" department, it
will also include the one subscriber who has successfully nailed the
HumourNet Moderator on his own scam.

Stay tuned ... <g>

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
                  Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this message;
           please observe the guidelines stated below.
____________________________________________________________________

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</collage409>