Collage 411              H u m o u r N e t              31 Jul 1999

Well, it looks as if HumourNet is back in action here. Collage 410
was a smashing success, though the topic that generated the greatest
amount of mail was my comment about Ted Kennedy's flotation abilities.
[Not too] surprisingly, the mail was about 20-to-1 in *favor* of the
comment. Clearly, HumourNetters are not your average netizens. <g>

However, I'm still tired and shagged out from a prolonged Collage
development, so I'll jump right into the milieu on this one....

Today's topic: "Blonde Jokes."

Shawn King, moderator of out sister list, "Bawdy.Net," starts us off
with "In Hot Pursuit" and (later) "Straight to the Bone";

Jason G., in or around Coppell, Texas, sends along the "Blonde
Fisherwoman";

Marv W. in Budd Lake, New Jersey, sends some "Breakfast Blonde";

Prime R. in Colorado Springs, Colorado, brings us "Blonde Math";

Karen C., also in Colorado Springs (is it a movement?), is "On Top
Of Her Game";

Lenore W. in Virginia Beach, Virginia, takes credit for "Just Say No"
and an oldie that I can't believe hasn't already run a long time
ago, "Barbie Joins OPEC" (hey, every piece gets to have its day here
on HumourNet -- even if that day *does* come a little late <g>);

Melinda M. in Chandler, Arizona, brings us "Kitchen Essentials";

Christine S. in Toronto takes credit for "They Keep Getting Blonder"
and "Still More Blonde Jokes";

and Melissa F. in San Diego crowns this Collage with a "Capital
Achievement."

It's yet another politically incorrect HumourNet Collage. :-)

And while the server works to deliver this Collage to you via the
newly-redecorated HumourNet Geosynchronous Communications Satellite
System(tMS), I'm off to see the new Stanley Kubric film, starring
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, which supposedly chronicles the last
few moments of JFK Jr.'s fateful flight. Simply amazing how quickly
Hollywood is cranking them out these days ...

;-)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  moderator@humournet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: In Hot Pursuit

There are 2 women getting ready to leave for work. The brunette gets
in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
The brunette says, "We're late, so you watch out the back window for
cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde, "So, do you
see any cops?"

The blonde replies, "Yes."

The brunette says, "Are they behind us?"

"Yes."

"Are they close?"

"Yes."

"Are they going to stop us?"

"I don't know."

The brunette says, "Well, are their lights on?"

The blonde replies, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Blonde Fisherwoman

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Breakfast Blonde

Q: What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
A: Frosted Flake

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Blonde Math

Bo Derek + Phyllis Diller = 11
(think about it)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: On Top Of Her Game

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde go into a bar. The brunette says
to the barkeep, "I'd like a BL." The bartender replies, "What's a
BL?" The brunette answers in a snotty voice, "A Bud Light. DUH!"

So, the bartender dutifully serves up a Bud Light. Then, the redhead
says, "I'd like an ML." The bartender asks, "What's an ML?" The
redhead answers, as if to a slow child, "Miller Lite. DUH!"

After serving the redhead, the bartender, now wary and on alert,
turns to the blonde.

She says, "I'd like a fifteen, please." The bartender thinks and
then says, "Okay, I understand that a BL is a Bud Light and an ML is
a Miller Lite. But, I can't figure out what a fifteen is."

The blonde rolls her eyes, tosses her hair and answers, "A Seven and
Seven. DUH!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Just Say No

Q: What do you call a group of blondes standing in a circle, holding
   hands?
A: A dope ring.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Straight to the Bone

A blonde was tired of being blonde, because of all the jokes about
her intelligence, etc.

So she dyed her hair black. Then she thought, no one will take me
seriously. They'll know I dyed it. So she decides to get away for a
while where no one knows her, so she can build up her confidence a
bit.

So she goes for a drive out into the country, and eventually comes to
a farm. Looking around, she sees a farmer with a paddock of sheep.

The blonde stops the car and says to the farmer, "If I can tell you
exactly how many sheep are in the paddock, can I take one back to
the city for my BBQ?"

The farmer says, "Sure," knowing full well that there's no way she
could possibly know how many sheep are in the paddock.

So she says,"Okay, there are, hmmmm ... 1,986."

Shocked, the farmer exclaims, "Wow that is exactly right! Well, a bet
is a bet; take whichever one you want." So the blonde chooses one and
heads back to her car with it.

As she's stuffing it into her car, the farmer walks over to her and
says, "Tell ya what: If I can tell you what colour your hair used to
be, can I have my dog back?"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Kitchen Essentials: The Blonde's Guide to Stocking a Kitchen

HAIR DRYER:
For thawing frozen foods. Also handy for clearing crumbs from the
counter.

CONCEALER:
For hiding meatloaf blemishes and other cooking imperfections.

SELF-TANNING LOTION:
For browning food.

CURLING IRON:
For making rotini and other neat pasta shapes.

DISHWASHER:
His name is Hans!

DOG:
For cleaning the kitchen floor.

SUNLAMP:
For creme brulee.

MAGIC 8-BALL:
For choosing the right wine.

FIRE EXTINGUISHER:
In case your roast is a little overcooked. Also useful to make a
tasty dessert topping. Fill extinguisher with whipped cream, aim
hose at your favorite dessert, spray and enjoy!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: They Keep Getting Blonder

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Q: What do you call a blonde on a college campus?
A: A visitor.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Barbie Joins OPEC

CEO
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA

From: Barbie

Dear Mr. CEO:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy
bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one
too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S
DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna
call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be
around to smell it).

So, here's my Y2K(*) resolution/wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
   sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller
   are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it
   feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.
   What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
   underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that
   wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken. And what's with that
   earring anyway? Okay, if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at
   least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
   away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to
   twist, just get it done.

6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
   about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account
   exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a
   miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
   a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own pain
   gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop
   Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and
   equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA

(*) Editor's Note: This one had originally said "1997," to give you
an idea of how long it's been sitting in the pipeline, waiting for
its appearance in a HumourNet Collage. Unfortunately, Barbie had to
wait about 2-1/2 years for her letter to be delivered. HumourNet's
only contender in the "Latent Delivery" category is the U.S. Postal
Service. ;-) </vs>

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: And Still More Blonde Jokes

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

On her way home, the blonde drove past a sign that said, "CLEAN
RESTROOMS, 8 MILES." Eight miles later, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Capital Achievement

A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was
repeatedly hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state
capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home
and spent the entire evening learning them all.

The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she
immediately retorted, "Hey ... I bet I know something that ALL of
you don't know. I know ALL of the state capitals which proves that
not all blondes are dumb." The people in her office were somewhat
dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked, "Ok ... what's the
capital of Wyoming?"

To which she smugly replied, "W."

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</collage411>