SUBJ: Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame (Version 2) (2.1 as of 10 May 96)
By Vince Sabio, HumourNet Moderator, copyright 1996

Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people -- many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain (e.g., [a currently undisclosed sum of money] to some old broad stupid enough to put hot coffee in her lap while riding in a car). From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity while *simultaneously* breaking the law. Upon these brave men and women we bestow the highest possible honor: Entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."

The following are their accounts ...

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

[Editor's Note: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos." ]

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled -- leaving his wallet on the counter.

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does -- backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her house -- whereupon she realized that the camel's name was ... "Otto."

[Editor's Note: She might not have gotten any milk from Otto, but she probably made a friend for life while trying.... ;-) ]

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check -- a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head -- and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole -- are you ready for this? -- the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera. The police, however, *did*.)

North Carolina*: A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...

(* Thanks is due Gary G. in N.C. for providing the location of this Stupid Crime.)

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck -- so they abandoned it.

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled -- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

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Florida: Dr. John Rende, a 38-year-old Florida dentist, agreed to allow two brothers to cut off a finger with an axe and claim it was an accident. He collected a $1.3 million lump-sum settlement from one brother's homeowners policy, and filed under his own disability policy as well. Rende used some of the money to buy a yacht, which he named "Minus One." He and his brothers pleaded guilty and are currently in jail.... (Excerpted from Erie Insurance Group's "In Sync" magazine.)

Hagerstown, MD: Jeff M. was caught driving while intoxicated, and was promptly arrested by Maryland's finest so he could have some private time to sober up a little. As he was leaving the police station, however, Jeff decided to "thank" the arresting officer for services rendered by dropping his trousers -- while facing the officer -- and making a gesture which would probably be understood by, say, Divine Brown. :-) Jeffy was promptly arrested *again*, and charged with indecent exposure.

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(The following are all excerpted from "USA Today," Tuesday, 9 Apr 96; the "USA Today" article was, itself, excerpted from the book, "Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest," by John J. Kohut and Roland Sweet. (Penguin Books))

Vernon, British Columbia: Raymond Cuthbert dropped by a drugstore to say that he and his accomplice would be back in 30 minutes to rob the place. On time for their appointment, they were arrested by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Sao Paulo, Brazil: Psychiatrist Oscar Dominguez was listening to a patient talk about her sex life when he pulled out a gun and shot her to death. As he explained to the court, "I just couldn't take those nut cases anymore."

[Editor's Note: I assume it's now *his* turn on the couch.... ]

Rouen, France: Moments after robbing a bank, Jules Duprer jumped into a car, shouting, "Get away quick, before the cops come." He failed to notice that the car he was counting on to spirit him to safety was a *police* car.

[Editor's Note: These last two aren't criminals, per se, but have nonetheless attained such impressive heights of stupidity that they warrant inclusion here. ]

(Location Unknown): A gentleman awoke one cold morning and found that his car would not start; the problem was a frozen fuel line. No problem for Mr. Brilliant -- one need only warm up the gas, right? So he siphoned off the fuel, put it into a pot, took it into the kitchen and heated it up on the stove....

Washington, D.C.: In 1994, local businesses paid their quarterly tax payments using pre-printed address labels provided by the city. The unopened payments were returned to the senders, with the notation "Box closed for non-payment of rent." The city had failed to pay the $405 annual fee.

[Editor's Note: Of course not. Do you know how much it costs to support a cocaine habit these days? ]

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Copyright 1996 by Vincent Sabio. Permission is hereby granted to forward this document, as long as it is forwarded in its entirety -- that is, from the "SUBJ:" line through to this line.

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