SUBJ: Gilligan, The Movie
By John Williams, Bristol, Virginia
Submitted to HumourNet by John Williams

*** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ***

Today, 20th Century Fox announced plans to film a new live-action
movie based on the cult-television series "Gilligan's Island."
Called "Gilligan," it is scheduled for release November 1997 and
will cost an estimated $110,000,000. This would make the film the
most expensive in movie history, surpassing the Blockbuster
_Waterworld_ by approximately $10,000,000.

"We think it's time we brought Gilligan to the big screen," said
producer Danny DeVito. "I think this will be much bigger than
anything I've ever done. Much bigger than _Twins_."

Although Industrial Light & Magic (_Jurassic Park_, _Lord of
Darkness_) has been contracted to build an entire synthetic island
in the Bikini islands, as well as produce computer-generated
coconuts, much of the $110,000,000 cost is due to the film's
all-star cast.

The starring role, popularized by Bob Denver, will be played by Jim
Carey (_The Mask, _Dumb & Dumber_). However, Mr. Carey will not
get top billing; that will be had by Arnold Schwartzennegger
(_Predator_,_Last Action Hero_), who will be playing Alan Hale,
Jr.'s "Skipper." Mr. Carey says, "Arnie gets top billing because he
said he'd walk if he didn't. Want to hear my butt talk? Alrighty
then!"

Taking over for the deceased Jim Backus, who played Thurston Howell
III will be former president Ronald Reagan (_Bedtime for Bonzo_),
marking his first return to the silver screen in over half a
century. Should President Reagan find himself incapable to perform
these duties, the role will be filled by, as The President said,
"That, aw shucks, tree over there. George Bush." Reagan said he
could not recall what he was being paid for the role, but "this
time, it will be more than the monkey."

Opposite the President, as Natalie Schafer's Lovey Wentworth Howell,
will be Joan Rivers, who refused to comment.

Russell Johnson's "Professor" Roy Hinkly will be played by Hugh
Grant (_The Englishman who Went Up a Hill and Came Down a Mountain_)
. Asked why he was taking this role, he said it was primarily
because of the fine script and solid social message. However, he
did say that the opportunity to perform with former porn-star Traci
Lords (_Traci I Love You_, _Not of This Earth_) was also a
motivating factor. Of her new role as Ginger Grant (played in the
series by Tina Louise), Traci said, "I'm glad to take this role. I
think that this will finally allow me to put my Porn films behind me
and prove that I'm a serious actress."

The role of Mary Ann Summers (popluarized by Dawn Wells) will be
played by Winona Ryder (_Heathers_, _Night on Earth_), who was too
cheerful and cute to be quoted here. Likewise, director Oliver
Stone (_Nixon_) was unavailable for comment, citing a massive
government cover up of a conspiracy to hide his car keys.

The part of the S. S. Minnow will be played by Dom DeLuise (_All
Dogs Go to Heaven II_, _Il Silenzio dei Prosciutti_).

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