SUBJ: _Moby_Dick_ as Software
By Kenneth M. Sheldon
Excerpted from BYTE Magazine, July 1989
Contributed to HumourNet by Richard Perlotto

(This is from BYTE magazine, July 1989. All copyrights probably
apply, but we're all friends here, aren't we? If you did not
subscribe to BYTE in July 1989, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS. :-)

As a fan of great literature, I found myself wondering the other day,
"What if novels were published the way software is?" If they were, the
process might go something like this:

Herman Melville would announce the publication of "Moby Dick" a year
before you could actually buy it. Reviewers would praise it, and
several literary magazines would select it as "Editor's Choice" for
best novel of the year--all before it ever appeared on the bookstore
shelves.

Eventually, the publisher would send out a press release to announce
that copies of "Moby Dick" were actually shipping. The public,
tantalized by the pre-publication hype, would rush out to buy the
books like sharks at a feeding frenzy. The novel would become an
overnight bestseller, thereby confirming the media's amazing prophetic
abilities.

The book would come wrapped in oilcloth, with a long parchment notice
explaining when and where you could read it, that you couldn't loan
the book to anyone, and that the publisher wasn't responsible if
anything in the book were to cause damage to your life, liberty, or
kidneys. If you violated the rules of the reader agreement, you would
forfeit your firstborn child.

After struggling through the first few chapters of the book,
two-thirds of "Moby Dick"'s readers would realize that they had no
idea what it was about. Most of them would put the book away, haul it
out now and then, and one day find a registration card that they had
never bothered to send in. On sending in the card, they would receive
the following letter:

Dear Registered "Moby Dick" reader,

Enclosed you will find a copy of "Moby Dick" version 2.1, which
replaces earlier versions.

1) Version 2.1 restores several key characters that readers reported
were missing in version 2.0, which was subsequently recalled. We have
added several new characters to version 2.1. In particular, several
readers reported that the character of Harold the bookkeeper, who was
intended to act as a foil for Ishmael, simply did not work. This
character has been replaced by Queequeg, a South Seas savage. Further
modifications should not be necessary.

2) Version 2.1 contains corrections to errors reported by readers of
earlier versions, most of whom were being too picky. However, one
misprint on page 127 could make it difficult for you to follow the
remainder of the story. Note that it is a "gold piece" that Ahab
nails tothe main mast, not a "cod piece." (Also note: If, beginning
in this section, your version of "Moby Dick" refers consistently to
"the Great White Tuna," you have the original version, 1.0.)

3) Early readers of "Moby Dick" commented that the hardcover
modification (intended to discourage unauthorized copying of the book)
made it impossible to install the book into their libraries. Version
2.1 contains a modified "key-type" protection. In the enclosed
envelope, you will find a key that will open your copy (and only you
copy) of the book. Attempting to open the book without using your key
will invalidate your readership license.

4) With this version of "Moby Dick," we are inaugurating our telephone
support service, available free of charge to all registered readers.
If you have a problem while reading the novel, please refer to the
"Moby Dick Technical Reference Manual (#MD-1024)," which contains
answers to the most commonly asked questions and includes a complete
table of literary symbols used in the book. If you still cannot
resolve the difficulty, call (800) BIG-FISH. The customer service
representative will ask for the serial number of your book before
assisting you.

5) Finally, (George says, "Yay; my fingers can't take much more of
this!") it has come to our attention that certain unscrupulous
publishers have pirated portions of the "Moby Dick" reader interface
or are producing complete "Moby Dick" "clones." The most flagrant
example involves a pirate captain whose hand has been swallowed (along
with an alarm clock) by a large crocodile. We are suing the publisher
of this work. If you buy it, you could become a codefendant in the
lawsuit. You'll also receive a visit from large men with blunt
instruments.

Please complete the enclosed registration card so that we can send you
information on new versions of "Moby Dick." We will also inform you of
forthcoming products, such as our state-of-the-art novel, "Ambergris,"
an integrated tale of daring and intrigue in the perfume and whaling
industries, to be released in the fourth quarter of 1889.

"Melville Press"
Seattle, Washington

********************************************************************
Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-)
********************************************************************

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to "lyris@lyris.net" (without quotes):

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. Thus, my subscription
request would read:

subscribe HumourNet Vince Sabio, Washington, D.C.

Be sure to turn off sigs and other extraneous info in your mailer
before sending a request to a list server.

--961020--