SUBJ: PC  PRIMER

Q:  What is P.C.?

PC stands for Politically Correct.  We of the Politically Correct 
philosophy believe in increasing the tolerance for a DIVERSITY of 
cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles.  
Political Correctness is the only socially- and morally-acceptable 
outlook.  Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, 
biased, sexist, and closed-minded.

Q:  Why should I be PC?

Being PC is fun.  PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of 
life!  PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are right, 
and that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of 
oppression.

Q:  I am a white male--can I still be PC?

Sure.  You just have to feel very guilty.

Q:  Why?

If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for 
practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide 
and plaid sport coats. That means that YOU are partially 
responsible for these atrocities.  Now it is time to balance the 
scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose 
ancestors your ancestors oppressed.

Q:  How?

It's simple.  You've got to be careful what you say, what you 
think, and what you do.  You just don't want to offend anyone.

Q:  You mean I should guard against offending ANYONE?

That's right.  Being offensive is destructive, and will not make 
the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.

Q:  How else can I be PC?

Oh, there are lots of ways.  For example, why buy regular ice
cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?"  
Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different 
containers:  glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc.  
Make sure that none of your make-up has been tested on animals. 
Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a 
shower, brush your teeth at the same time.  Then don't let the 
water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn.  Or better 
yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol.  
And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a 
citizen of America, you're living in God's country.

If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress 
the part! Don't do drugs.  You should listen to at least one of 
the following PC musicians:  U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or 
KD Lang.

Harass people who wear fur coats.  Remind them that an innocent 
baby seal was mercilessly clubbed.  Or just yell, "FUR!"  They 
hate that. And don't EVER eat meat.

Q:  Don't eat meat?  Why not?!

Cows are animals, just like humans are animals.  That means that 
they have rights.  When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!

Q:  So ALL killing is bad?

No, not always.  Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the 
Persian Gulf.  You have to be able to tell when an animal has 
rights, and when it doesn't.

Q:  How do I know when an animal has rights?

The general rule is as follows:

          IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY,
             HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.

Examine the following chart:

        RIGHTS                                NO RIGHTS
        cows                                cockroaches
        cute bunnies                        flies
        dolphins in tuna nets                tuna in tuna nets
        whales                                sharks
        red squirrels                        gray squirrels
        owls                                loggers
        trees                                corn
        harbor seals                        barnacles

Q:  Wow.  What else can I do to be PC?

Hug a tree.  Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for 
they are what gives flavour to our great country.  Get in touch 
with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon 
leaks.  Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-
Western cultural traditions and costumes.  After you read it, use 
the paper as an alternate fuel source.

Q:  I'm not sure about all of this.

If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember:  
PC is right.  YOU ARE RIGHT.  It's that simple.  You are right.

Q:  How do I know if an action is non-PC?

Good question.  It's important to know when someone is saying 
something insensitive so that you can have that person removed 
from society.  The guideline is as follows:

     Is the confrontation between two white people?
        Yes ->  The liberal is right.
        No  ->  The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

Remember, many seemingly obvious issues--such as the railroading of 
Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint 
Mary's University Caribbean Society shut-down--are really race 
issues.

Here's a fun practice drill for you:  See how many newspaper 
articles you can make into race-bias stories.  It's fun!  Some 
PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK 
pamphlet!

Q:  What should I do if I see someone doing something non-PC?

It all depends on the situation.  If you are not in a position of 
authority, by all means report this activity immediately to 
whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or 
superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, they (not "he";  see 
upcoming question regarding PC-correct usage) will take the 
necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.

Q:  But isn't that censorship?

The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism or insensitivity 
to be espoused by anyone.  That's not what free speech is about.  
Some call it censorship.  PCers call it "selective" speech.  
Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is 
just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face.  We just 
can't allow that kind of verbal assault.

Q:  I've heard a lot about PC words to replace "Black," "Indian," 
etc.

Yes.  That's part of the PC movement.  You see, part of the way we 
think about people comes directly from the words we use to 
describe them. Take "black" for instance.  Why should a person be 
judged by the color of their skin?

Q:  You mean that they should rather be judged by the content of 
their character?

No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are 
from.  If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or 
wherever, then you should be identified by that fact.  You can 
even apply for special scholarships!

Q:  I'm a mixture of French, German, English and Russian.  Can I 
get one?

No, there are none offered to white males--however, if you are a 
woman ...oops... womyn (see PC LEXICON at end of handbook), there 
should be plenty.

Q  Hey, wouldn't a white person from Libya or Egypt technically be 
an African-American?

Technically, yes.  But that's not the kind of African-American we 
mean. That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're 
pretending that we aren't.  Another example:  a white South-
African immigrant is not an African-American (or either).

Q:  How can I learn to make my language more Politically Correct?

You must un-learn everything you learned in elementary-school 
English classes.  Like using "he" when you're not referring to 
anyone in particular, which is offensive to womyn.  Some people 
substitute "he or she," or--better yet--"she or he," but that still 
admits to gender differences, which is offensive to anyone who is 
truly Politically Correct.  The PC-preferred term is "they."  
Thus, the sentence "everyone must pick up his check" becomes 
"everyone must pick up their check."  It sounds awkward, but 
you'll get used to it.

For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

Q:  I'd like my child to be PC.  What can I do?

Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to 
volunteer their time with philanthropies.  Also, we should re-
emphasize non-Western perspectives on history.  Finally, we should 
re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.

Q:  I don't get it.

Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented 
minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower 
standards of admission at school and work, and receive 
preferential treatment.  This is unfair and wrong.

Q:  It is?

Yes.  The truly PC way to do it is to have different grading 
scales for different groups, which gives or subtracts points from 
the final score, depending on who is taking the test.  If you are 
white, then you have been benefited by society during your life.  
That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test 
fair to everyone else.

Q:  I guess that sounds right.

It IS right.  YOU are right.  That's the beauty of PC.

Q:  What else do I have to be careful of?

Humor.  We take every comment VERY seriously.  We will not accept 
any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could 
be a gender or racial slur.

Q:  Give me an example.

"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor 
for decades.  Not PC--it can be taken the wrong way.

In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot 
calling the kettle African-American?"  Any racial jokes--or jokes 
even mentioning culture or gender--should be omitted.  True, this 
mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price 
you pay for social equality, justice, and that warm, fuzzy feeling 
you get from knowing that you are undoing centuries of oppression.

Q:  Is that all there is to it?

Yes.  The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition 
that people are diversely equal.  We rejoice in this equality by 
treating people differently based on their equal individualities.  
Hop aboard the bandwagon...  Be PC.  Or else you're an intolerant, 
racist, sexist, insensitive pig.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

                         PC  LEXICON
                        -------------------

Insensitive Term                        Politically-Correct Term
----------------------------------      --------------------------------------------------

                        Section 1:  ETHNICITY
        (PC people do not recognize the term "race" as valid)

Black                            African-American
                                (Note:  Does not include Libyans,  
                                Egyptians, or white South Africans.  Does 
                                include people with dark skin, regardless of 
                                where they are from or where they live.)

Oriental                        Asian-American
                                (Note:  Not considered "real" minorities 
                                since they tend to do well.  Nevertheless, 
                                avoid references to Charlie Chan--or anything 
                                with the word "Charlie" in it, including 
                                Charlie Chaplin--and the term "ah-soh.")

Indian                           Native-American
                                (Note:  The following sports teams are not PC:
                                        Atlanta Braves
                                        Cleveland Indians
                                        Kansas City Chiefs
                                        Washington Redskins
                                 AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)

Chicano                         Hispanic
                                (Note:  The following are not PC:
                                        Cheech and Chong
                                        Chico and the Man episodes
                                        Cisco Kid
                                        Rosarita Salsa
                                        Speedy Gonzales
                                        West Side Story
                                         AVOID!  AVOID!  AVOID!)

Italian                         South-Central Mediterranean American
                                (Note:  The terms "WOP," "Dago," "Mafioso," 
                                and "Pasta Pusher" are expressly forbidden.)

White Trash                     PC Impaired
                                Rustically Inclined

White Male                      Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Section 2:  GENDER
    (PC people don't like the word "sex," as it has confusing connotations)

Woman                           Womyn
                                Vaginal American
                                Breasted American

Girl                            Pre-Womyn

Housewife                       Domestic Engineer
                                (Note:  The terms "old lady" and "little 
                                weenie holster" are expressly forbidden.)

Fireman                         Firefighter

Stewardess                      Flight Attendant

Meter Maid                      Parking Enforcement Aduciator

Post Man                        Post Person

Mail Man                        Person Person

Man (esp. white)                Oppressor
                                Disposable-Cash Source
                                Potential Rapist
                                John Wayne Bobbitt

Policeman                       Law Enforcement Officer
                                Baton Person  (formerly "Baton Boy")
                                California Clubber

Prostitute                      Sex Surrogate  (Teen Victim:  See Broken Home)

Mankind, Human                  Earth Children


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Section 3:  PEOPLE (Sub-Groups)

Handicapped                     Physically Challenged
                                Differently Abled
                                Handi-Capable

Blind                           Optically Darker
                                Photonically Non-Receptive
                                Visually Challenged

Deaf                            Visually Oriented

Poor                            Economically Unprepared

Bum                             Homeless Person
                                Displaced Homeowner
                                Philosophy Major

Hunter                          Animal Assassin
                                Meat Mercenary
                                Bambi Butcher

Whaler                          Blubber Lover

Fisherman                       Flipper Killer

Old Person, Elderly             4th-Dimensionally Extended
                                Gerontologically Advanced
                                Youth Impaired

Conservative, Republican        Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig

Drug Addict                     Chemically Enhanced

Bald                            Comb-Free

Bisexual                        Sexually Non-Preferential

Masculine                       Hormonally Impaired

Midget, Dwarf                   Vertically Challenged

Convict                         Socially Separated

Insane People                   Selectively Perceptive
                                Reality Challenged
                                Mental Explorers

(person with)                   (person with)
Learning Disability             Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

Geek, Nerd                      Computer Professional

Tree-Hugger                     Environmental Activist

Logger                          Wood Weasel
                                Paper Pirate
                                Tree Slayer

Dead People                     Dysfunctional Earth Children
                                Biologically Challenged
                                Metaphysically Enhanced


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Section 4:  MISCELLANEOUS

Broken Home                     Dysfunctional Family

House Broken                    Family Dysfunction

Cattle Ranch                    Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC)
                                "Moo-shwitz"

Senile Bag o' Bones             Alzheimer's Victim

Ghetto, Barrio                  Ethnically Homogenous Area (EHA)
                                Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana

Hamburger                       Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)

Cheeseburger                    Adding Insult to Injury

Cheating (in School)            Academic Dishonesty
                                Deplorable Behavior (white males)
                                Overcoming Socio-Economic Barriers (others)

Used Books                      Recycled Books

Trees                           Oxygen Exchange Units (OEUs)

Gang                            Youth Group

Pimp Mobile, Low Rider          Culturally-Responsive Transportation

Drunk, Trashed                  Spatially Perplexed

Slum                            Economic Oppression Zone (EOZ)

Delicatessen                    Corpse Farm
                                Charnel House

Fat, Obese                      People of Mass
                                Gravitationally Enhanced
                                Horizontally Enhanced

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