SUBJ: PC PRIMER Q: What is P.C.? PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing the tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only socially- and morally-acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and closed-minded. Q: Why should I be PC? Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are right, and that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression. Q: I am a white male--can I still be PC? Sure. You just have to feel very guilty. Q: Why? If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world--slavery, war, genocide and plaid sport coats. That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors oppressed. Q: How? It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone. Q: You mean I should guard against offending ANYONE? That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE. Q: How else can I be PC? Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that none of your make-up has been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of America, you're living in God's country. If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang. Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR!" They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat. Q: Don't eat meat? Why not?! Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals! Q: So ALL killing is bad? No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't. Q: How do I know when an animal has rights? The general rule is as follows: IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS. Examine the following chart: RIGHTS NO RIGHTS cows cockroaches cute bunnies flies dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets whales sharks red squirrels gray squirrels owls loggers trees corn harbor seals barnacles Q: Wow. What else can I do to be PC? Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non- Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source. Q: I'm not sure about all of this. If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember: PC is right. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right. Q: How do I know if an action is non-PC? Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows: Is the confrontation between two white people? Yes -> The liberal is right. No -> The white person is oppressing the ethnic person. Remember, many seemingly obvious issues--such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary's University Caribbean Society shut-down--are really race issues. Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race-bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet! Q: What should I do if I see someone doing something non-PC? It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, they (not "he"; see upcoming question regarding PC-correct usage) will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined. Q: But isn't that censorship? The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism or insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault. Q: I've heard a lot about PC words to replace "Black," "Indian," etc. Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin? Q: You mean that they should rather be judged by the content of their character? No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships! Q: I'm a mixture of French, German, English and Russian. Can I get one? No, there are none offered to white males--however, if you are a woman ...oops... womyn (see PC LEXICON at end of handbook), there should be plenty. Q Hey, wouldn't a white person from Libya or Egypt technically be an African-American? Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean. That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't. Another example: a white South- African immigrant is not an African-American (or either). Q: How can I learn to make my language more Politically Correct? You must un-learn everything you learned in elementary-school English classes. Like using "he" when you're not referring to anyone in particular, which is offensive to womyn. Some people substitute "he or she," or--better yet--"she or he," but that still admits to gender differences, which is offensive to anyone who is truly Politically Correct. The PC-preferred term is "they." Thus, the sentence "everyone must pick up his check" becomes "everyone must pick up their check." It sounds awkward, but you'll get used to it. For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook. Q: I'd like my child to be PC. What can I do? Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re- emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases. Q: I don't get it. Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admission at school and work, and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong. Q: It is? Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have different grading scales for different groups, which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else. Q: I guess that sounds right. It IS right. YOU are right. That's the beauty of PC. Q: What else do I have to be careful of? Humor. We take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a gender or racial slur. Q: Give me an example. "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC--it can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American?" Any racial jokes--or jokes even mentioning culture or gender--should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality, justice, and that warm, fuzzy feeling you get from knowing that you are undoing centuries of oppression. Q: Is that all there is to it? Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individualities. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or else you're an intolerant, racist, sexist, insensitive pig. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- PC LEXICON ------------------- Insensitive Term Politically-Correct Term ---------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- Section 1: ETHNICITY (PC people do not recognize the term "race" as valid) Black African-American (Note: Does not include Libyans, Egyptians, or white South Africans. Does include people with dark skin, regardless of where they are from or where they live.) Oriental Asian-American (Note: Not considered "real" minorities since they tend to do well. Nevertheless, avoid references to Charlie Chan--or anything with the word "Charlie" in it, including Charlie Chaplin--and the term "ah-soh.") Indian Native-American (Note: The following sports teams are not PC: Atlanta Braves Cleveland Indians Kansas City Chiefs Washington Redskins AVOID THESE CITIES!!!) Chicano Hispanic (Note: The following are not PC: Cheech and Chong Chico and the Man episodes Cisco Kid Rosarita Salsa Speedy Gonzales West Side Story AVOID! AVOID! AVOID!) Italian South-Central Mediterranean American (Note: The terms "WOP," "Dago," "Mafioso," and "Pasta Pusher" are expressly forbidden.) White Trash PC Impaired Rustically Inclined White Male Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Section 2: GENDER (PC people don't like the word "sex," as it has confusing connotations) Woman Womyn Vaginal American Breasted American Girl Pre-Womyn Housewife Domestic Engineer (Note: The terms "old lady" and "little weenie holster" are expressly forbidden.) Fireman Firefighter Stewardess Flight Attendant Meter Maid Parking Enforcement Aduciator Post Man Post Person Mail Man Person Person Man (esp. white) Oppressor Disposable-Cash Source Potential Rapist John Wayne Bobbitt Policeman Law Enforcement Officer Baton Person (formerly "Baton Boy") California Clubber Prostitute Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim: See Broken Home) Mankind, Human Earth Children ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Section 3: PEOPLE (Sub-Groups) Handicapped Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable Blind Optically Darker Photonically Non-Receptive Visually Challenged Deaf Visually Oriented Poor Economically Unprepared Bum Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner Philosophy Major Hunter Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher Whaler Blubber Lover Fisherman Flipper Killer Old Person, Elderly 4th-Dimensionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced Youth Impaired Conservative, Republican Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig Drug Addict Chemically Enhanced Bald Comb-Free Bisexual Sexually Non-Preferential Masculine Hormonally Impaired Midget, Dwarf Vertically Challenged Convict Socially Separated Insane People Selectively Perceptive Reality Challenged Mental Explorers (person with) (person with) Learning Disability Self-Paced Cognitive Ability Geek, Nerd Computer Professional Tree-Hugger Environmental Activist Logger Wood Weasel Paper Pirate Tree Slayer Dead People Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Enhanced ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Section 4: MISCELLANEOUS Broken Home Dysfunctional Family House Broken Family Dysfunction Cattle Ranch Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz" Senile Bag o' Bones Alzheimer's Victim Ghetto, Barrio Ethnically Homogenous Area (EHA) Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana Hamburger Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF) Cheeseburger Adding Insult to Injury Cheating (in School) Academic Dishonesty Deplorable Behavior (white males) Overcoming Socio-Economic Barriers (others) Used Books Recycled Books Trees Oxygen Exchange Units (OEUs) Gang Youth Group Pimp Mobile, Low Rider Culturally-Responsive Transportation Drunk, Trashed Spatially Perplexed Slum Economic Oppression Zone (EOZ) Delicatessen Corpse Farm Charnel House Fat, Obese People of Mass Gravitationally Enhanced Horizontally Enhanced ******************************************************************** Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-) ******************************************************************** To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to "lyris@lyris.net" (without quotes): subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. Thus, my subscription request would read: subscribe HumourNet Vince Sabio, Washington, D.C. 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